The Best Theories On Everything: Volume Two

More Sports Theories

The “Believing In Sports” Theory: If it sounds too good to be true, it is. Unless it is Adrian Peterson.

The “Most Important Football Stat No One Talks About” Theory: How long the defense is on the field.

Long grind-‘em-out five-minute drives in the first quarter exact a menacing toll by the fourth quarter. Lumbering defensive linemen do not get the energy back.

The “Homerun Record” Theory: Roger Maris’ 61 home runs is still the single-season record. Hank Aaron’s 754 home runs is still the career record.

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The Red State Versus Blue State Theories

The “Coastlines Have A Liberal Bias” Theory: Coastlines bring ports. Ports bring trade and immigrants. Immigrants bring diverse culture and fresh ideas. Diverse culture and fresh ideas don’t tend to bring more conservative thought.

The “Why Landlocked States Tend To Be Red” Theory:

Transport over land (trucking, railroads) tends to be more expensive than transport over water (shipping). Inland states are, therefore, more expensive to supply and—barring natural resource abundance—tend to be less economically developed and more rural. More rural areas tend to be more suspicious of government involvement, albeit not massive farm subsidies.

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The “Selecting Politicians” Theory: Plans and amendments will always change with back-door wheeling and dealing. Pick the politician’s personality, not their policies.

So beware of politicians with no apparent core principles, i.e. flip-floppers (John Kerry, Mitt Romney).

The “3 Reasons Why Congress Is So Broken” Theory: 1) Gerrymandered districts keep incumbents in power more than ever before. 2) Party primaries sniff out the more center-of-the-road moderates with milquetoast headline sound-bytes in favor of the rabble rousing firebrands who make them. 3) Unprecedented Super PACs and Citizens United millions mean political candidates are more beholden to the interests of their backers than ever.

The “Danger Of Ideology” Theory: Ideology is how you want your reality to be.

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The “Having Enemies” Theory: “You have enemies? Good. That means you’ve stood up for something, sometime in your life.” –Winston Churchill

The “Most Quotable Figure Ever” Theory: Winston Churchill

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The “Art” Theory: Ars est celare artem. (The art is to hide the art.)

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The “How You Know You Are Fluent In Another Language” Theory: When you dream in the other language.

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The “Meeting The One” Theory: You (probably) aren’t going to meet the love of your life in a bar.