The Six Worst Donald Trump Blunders & Bungles

Trump has decided not to run for President, making his brush with politics seem like another gaudy (and self-centered) publicity stunt. There are a few lunatics who were actually rooting for this cold-hearted cash machine, but most of us knew that ‘President Trump’ would only bring headaches and a lot of new limousine parking lots where our houses used to be. In celebration of Trump’s decision not to run, here is an overview of some of his worst moments:

Failed Business Ventures

GoTrump.com

GoTrump.com, a search engine you’ve never heard of, launched in 2006 and was shut down only a year later.

Trump Magazine

Trump Magazine was aimed at the affluent and extremely rich, but not even the snobs cared about his super high-gloss pages laminated with real gold and baby blood (ok, we made that part up). Ad sales were almost nonexistent and the magazine was cancelled in 2009.

Trump Vodka

Trump was pretty confident about this one. The self-proclaimed “epitome of vodka” was created to compete with Grey Goose, and the Trump & Tonic was set to become “the most requested [alcoholic] drink in America, second only to the Trump Martini.” Although painfully overestimated, the brand did get one thing right: its marketing campaign. The liquor claimed to “demand the same respect and inspire the same awe as the international legacy and brand of Donald Trump himself.”

Compared to Trump’s rapidly deteriorating reputation, long list of failures, and conniving practices, it looks like they were right. The vodka has since stopped production and filed an injunction against an Israeli company who was trying to sell the stuff without Trump’s ‘authorization’.

Trump Mortgage

This one lasted less than two years, although Donald Trump Jr. predicted it would become America’s leader in home loans. Opened in 2006, the business was screwed by the housing market crash in 2007. It didn’t help that Trump chose a total flop to run his company: although EJ Ridings claimed to serve as a top executive for a wealthy investment bank, the truth was that he had been a Wall Street broker for less than a week before lying his ass off to land the position. Whatever happened to background checks?

Trump Airlines

In 1988, Eastern Air Shuttle suffered the Trump touch when he bought up the airline and made a bunch of asinine changes which would ultimately lead to its demise. Initially popular for its no-nonsense service, Eastern Air Shuttle failed due to Trump’s ‘fix it till it’s broke’ initiatives. Painting his name on the side of 17 Boeing 727s wasn’t enough. Next came the maplewood floors. Then the chrome seat-belt latches (a safety measure against the atrocity of looking like a regular citizen, no doubt). Finally, gaudy gold-colored bathroom fixtures were added (note: gold-colored, not actual gold).

Luxury — or the fake kind — was not so esteemed by the airlines customers, who had fancied ‘Trump Airlines’ for its simplicity (and less-evil name). Trump Airlines never profited, Trump himself was forced to default on his loans, and the company went to the dogs (see: creditors). It was merged into a new corporation in 1992 and has disappeared forever, smashed into oblivion by Trump’s sweaty, unnaturally orange fists.

Trump Board Game

One might jump to the conclusion that Trump: The Game is just another Monopoly ripoff just by reading the title, but we often cannot judge a book by its cover. This, unfortunately, is one of those exceptional instances when assuming makes an ass out of… Donald Trump. First released in 1989, the game didn’t come close to selling 2 million units like Trump predicted it would. However, Trump pointlessly re-released it over a decade later, incorporating Apprentice catchphrase “You’re Fired!” into the game. Trump also graciously provided business tips in its contents and a constipated looking picture of him on the box. This would make a great gift for someone you are obligated to shop for but do not care about since you can find it at a stoop sale near you, priced anywhere between fifty cents and ten dollars.

The Bankruptcies

Taj Mahal Casino, Atlantic City NJ – 1991

Trump Plaza Hotel – 1992

Trump Hotels & Casino Resorts – 2004

Trump Entertainment Resorts (Renamed from Trump Hotels & Casino Resorts — Trump had to pay $72 million of his own precious dollar bills to save this one) – 2009

Real estate – $65 million dollar ‘rescue package’ complete with shiny new loans and credit was handed over to Mr. Trump. It was ravaged in only nine months, landing Trump almost $4 billion in debt.

Slimy Business Tactics

Besides using bankruptcy as a meant to avoiding the consequences of crappy, multi-billion dollar endeavors, Trump has also been sued on multiple occasions for his shady business tactics. Surprise!

Trump faced a lawsuit this year after taking investor deposits on a resort in Baja which was never built. He blames the developers and says that lending his name was the only association he had with the project.

In 2010, he was sued by 15 people for false advertising after claiming that his new SoHo condominium was (up to) 60% sold when the number was really closer to 16%.

Bullying

Trump has earned some of his notoriety from attempting to bully an elderly woman, Vera Coking, out of her home in the early 1990s. Wanting to build a limousine parking lot near his Atlantic City hotels and casinos, Trump began buying up the properties around them. His only problem was a horrible old lady who refused to sell her crappy little home for the betterment of society.

Being a gentleman and a scholar, Trump began a crusade to condemn Coking’s house using the power of eminent domain. Eminent domain assumes that the person or government claiming (see: stealing) one’s property under eminent domain for public or civic use. Highways and railroads are common examples of this, but Trump went above the limits of a regular moral compass when he recognized the public’s aching need for a limousine parking lot. He attempted to pay Coking a quarter of the appraised value of her home. Coking fought the law, won, and eventually sold her home to another casino company in 2007.

Coking was just the tip of Trump’s bullying iceberg (ew). On OPEC’s high prices, Trump stated:

“I’m going to look ’em in the eye and say, ‘Fellas, you’ve had your fun. Your fun is over.”’

He went on to suggest that America should “take” Iraqi oil, and seemed almost offended that someone would clarify that he actually meant to rob them. “Excuse me,” said the semantics wizard, “You’re not stealing anything. You’re taking — we’re reimbursing ourselves.”