Chapter VII: Leaving The Mormon Roommates (Part I)

It didn’t used to be this way.

We used to be, well, not friends, exactly. But…co-existing roommates. East Coast Liberal and Midwest Mormons. United, first, out of a hastily-arranged lease through KSL.com—the Mormon Craigslist, with fewer dubious walk-up sublets and more hand-me-down Missionary suits. And, later, out of a common joy for the NFL and Captain Crunch OOPS! All Berries cereal.

We used to have, well, not an alliance, exactly. But…a symbiotic relationship. They invited me to play LDSopoly, the Mormon Monopoly, with Spiritual Prison instead of jail. And I invited them to watch Monday Night Football and told them when to look away when the “naughty” Danica Patrick GoDaddy.com ads came on.

The Mormon roommates said “naughty”. And often. They said “dang” when shocked. And “fetch”—usually to emptied chocolate milk jugs—when upset. The neighbor’s golden retriever in 4B was oft confused.

They traded in PG-13 hypotheticals:

“If you could be any Disney character, who would you be?” Russell mused.

“Aladdin,” Devin smirked. “Then I can take a magic carpet to my job.”

“You’d have a genie who could grant you any wish,” I sighed. “Why would you still commute to your job?”

“Yeah, maybe Simba. Then I could roar all the way to my job.”

They bantered in tween would-you-rathers:

“Would you rather have a lifetime supply of chocolate milk,” Devin paused for dramatic effect, “or go to every Disney World on Earth?”

“Daaaaang.” Russell mused. “That’s a good one. I don’t know.”

I learned, well, not a lot with the Mormon roommates, exactly. But…I learned some things. I learned chocolate milk was invented by an Irish physicist in the 1680s. I learned there are five Disney resorts in the world with a sixth under construction in Shanghai. I learned the prized Mormon culinary innovation: fry sauce—one part ketchup, two parts mayonnaise, and…that’s it.

I learned the easiest way to charm a Mormon roommate is to imagine you’re speaking with an overgrown 13 year old: Ask them their favorite Disney movie. Bribe them with Skittles. And keep the chocolate milk flowing.