{"id":1039,"date":"2007-05-03T10:39:58","date_gmt":"2007-05-03T15:39:58","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.prosebeforehos.com\/word-of-the-day\/05\/03\/thoughts-of-the-average-american\/"},"modified":"2009-10-28T12:07:47","modified_gmt":"2009-10-28T16:07:47","slug":"thoughts-of-the-average-american","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.prosebeforehos.com\/word-of-the-day\/05\/03\/thoughts-of-the-average-american\/","title":{"rendered":"Thoughts of the Average American"},"content":{"rendered":"

As Imagined By Network Executives:<\/strong><\/p>\n

\u201cIf I cannot see sports scores, stock reports, and weather forecasts scrolling across the bottom of the screen at all times, I will kill myself.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI can’t wait to see this overweight middle aged comic and his disproportionately attractive wife deal with their adolescent children in a humorously unorthodox, though ultimately conservative manner.\u201d <\/p>\n

\u201cI don’t see enough petty, selfish individuals in my daily life. Therefore, I will tune in to tonight’s scheduled reality television show.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou cannot make a television show too stupid for me to watch.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI was going to change the channel until the network reminded me, halfway through the first commercial break, that the program would \u2018be right back.’ I had previously been under the impression that the program was lost and would never return.\u201d <\/p>\n

\u201cI find this sitcom intellectually challenging.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI am completely unaware of the fact that the corporation being investigated by the FBI in this news segment owns this news station. Even if I were aware of this fact, I would put great faith in the objectivity and journalistic integrity of this enormous media conglomerate.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cBecker is not on TV enough.\u201d <\/p>\n

As Imagined by a Music Executive:<\/strong><\/p>\n

\u201cI’m glad this rock band has a limited repertoire of similarly progressing power chords. If their songs were more creative, it would confuse me, and I would not buy their album.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAs a member of the African-American community, I readily identify with this hip-hop artist’s misogynistic views and propensity towards crime.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThat beautiful and scantily clad young woman, whose name escapes me at the moment, is my favorite musical artist of all time.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cIt’s a good thing my carbonated soft-drink came with one free music download, for I would have felt uncomfortable downloading free music on the internet.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cFinally a halftime show that combines my love of hard-nosed championship football and pre-pubescent teen-pop!\u201d <\/p>\n

\u201cI will buy any CD that produces sound.\u201d<\/p>\n

As Imagined by Politicians:<\/strong><\/p>\n

\u201cI am upset that I work full time and still fall below the poverty line. I blame queers and people of another race.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cClearly, the best way to reduce crime is to build more prisons. Evidence linking poverty and crime is flimsy at best.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAt least both candidates favor education initiatives with humanitarian names that direct money towards arbitrary and biased standardized tests. Hiring more qualified teachers and rebuilding crumbling inner-city schools would yield questionable results.\u201d <\/p>\n

\u201cThe rich do enough for this country. They should not have to pay higher taxes than the rest of us.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI fear that we might one day be attacked by a country whose economy is based almost entirely on trade with the United States. Therefore, we must spend more on our military than every other nation combined. This will make other countries feel more secure, and they will whore their underclass to us rather than initiate an arms race.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cMorality is derived from creatively interpreting apocryphal texts, not the desire to reduce human suffering.\u201d <\/p>\n

\u201cIf we give free health care to poor people by taxing the super-rich, the economy, and quite possibly the universe, will collapse.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI see many distinct differences between these two courageous candidates.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cCongratulations on successfully side-stepping another important question and leaving me lost in forest of vague rhetoric and empty catch-phrases. You’ve got my vote.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cOne American life is worth approximately ten European lives, four hundred thousand African lives, and fifteen million Arab lives.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cA presidential candidate’s war record is the deciding factor in his ability to oversee the American economy.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThe rich white liberal cares about me more than the rich white conservative, though they both care about me very much.\u201d<\/p>\n

As Imagined By a Marketing Executive:<\/strong><\/p>\n

\u201cI prefer the product with the attractive salespeople.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI was heretofore unaware of the maximum safe duration for a chemically induced erection.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThat recognizable athlete scores all those points because of his brand-name sports beverage, right?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThis song reminds me of my youth. Therefore, I will buy.\u201d <\/p>\n

\u201cI can only afford $74.99 on a new pair of old looking blue jeans; $75 is just too much.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI would have gone to an amateur poetry reading rather than the monster truck rally had the gentleman on the radio commercial not been yelling.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWow. I had no idea smoking was so bad for you.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cIf I buy this face cream, I will be as beautiful as the actress endorsing it.\u201d <\/p>\n

\u201cAfter hearing rap music on their commercial, I can now trust this giant white-owned corporation to fulfill all my consumer needs. It no longer bothers me that the CEO eliminated all employee benefits to build his own country club.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThere is very likely buried treasure somewhere in the backyard of my suburban Chicago home. If only there were a way of detecting the presence of metal underground.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYes, I have been injured recently. And, no, I hadn’t considered litigation until this trustworthy family man suggested it.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI can’t believe I voted for a politician so soft on crime. I will not make the same mistake this election. I am also far more likely to vote for the smiling candidate in the color photograph.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThis electronics super store has so many things I need at such great prices that I might just kill myself.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWith that many explosions, how could the movie not be good?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI will enjoy your inexpensive, highly potent alcohol responsibly.\u201d <\/p>\n

\u201dThis celebrity who appears to be in good physical shape must be an expert on health and nutrition.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhen passing a car dealership with a catchy jingle, I will remember that they have fair prices and know that I am a busy man. When I finally have some free time, I will buy the first safe, reliable, and easily financed automobile I see.\u201d <\/p>\n

Via Cracked<\/a>, a step above soliloquy from anonymous middle american.<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

As Imagined By Network Executives: \u201cIf I cannot see sports scores, stock reports, and weather forecasts scrolling across the bottom of the screen at all times, I will kill myself.\u201d \u201cI can’t wait to see this overweight middle aged comic and his disproportionately attractive wife deal with their adolescent children in a humorously unorthodox, though […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":19,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[],"tags":[],"yoast_head":"\nThoughts of the Average American - Prose Before Hos<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"As Imagined By Network Executives: \u201cIf I cannot see sports scores, stock reports, and weather forecasts scrolling across the bottom of the screen at all\" \/>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/www.prosebeforehos.com\/word-of-the-day\/05\/03\/thoughts-of-the-average-american\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Thoughts of the Average American - 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