{"id":137155,"date":"2013-02-06T12:00:38","date_gmt":"2013-02-06T17:00:38","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.prosebeforehos.com\/?p=137155"},"modified":"2014-02-19T12:51:20","modified_gmt":"2014-02-19T17:51:20","slug":"the-best-theories-on-everything-volume-iv","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.prosebeforehos.com\/cultural-correspondent\/02\/06\/the-best-theories-on-everything-volume-iv\/","title":{"rendered":"The Best Theories On Everything (Volume IV)"},"content":{"rendered":"

The \u201cUs Vs. Ancient Romans\u201d Theory:<\/strong> We are genetically identical to the Ancient Romans. We are simply separated by nicer things, monotheism, and two thousand years of Enlightenment and the Western legal system. Our National Football League is their gladiatorial games but with nicer Underarmor-imprinted padding.<\/p>\n

The \u201c10,000 Rule\u201d Theory:<\/strong> Malcolm Gladwell estimates it takes 10,000 hours to truly master a skill. The Beatles became The Beatles after countless all-night jam sessions in mostly empty Munich night-clubs. Bill Gates logged well over 10,000 hours coding in the University of Washington\u2019s computer labs. <\/p>\n

What is the 10,000 hour skill you want to master? What is your hour tally? (Math Tip: An hour a day for three years is a little over 1,000 hours, or only a smidge above 10%.)<\/p>\n

The \u201cFebruary Black History Month\u201d Theory:<\/strong> As told by Chris Rock, \u201cFebruary is Black History Month. Isn’t that nice? The Man gives us February because it’s the shortest month of the year! Now, I’m not complaining, but I think we deserve at\u00a0least\u00a0a thirty-day month. It’s also the\u00a0coldest\u00a0month of the year, just in case we wanted to have a parade.\u201d<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

The \u201cRay Lewis Paradox\u201d Theory:<\/strong> “Kill one man\u00a0and\u00a0you are a murderer.\u00a0Kill\u00a0millions and\u00a0you\u00a0are a conqueror.\u00a0Kill\u00a0all and\u00a0you\u00a0are a God.” -French Philosopher Jean Rostand (1894-1977)<\/p>\n

Michael Vick killed dogs and justly served over a year in prison. Donte Stallworth killed a man (drunk) and served under a month in prison. Ray Lewis killed two men and is hailed as a consummate leader and role model. -The NFL Justice System (2005-2013)<\/p>\n

\"Best<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

The Manti Te\u2019o Meme Theories<\/h2>\n

<\/center><\/p>\n

The \u201cManti Te\u2019o Girlfriend\u201d Theory II:<\/strong><\/p>\n

\"Best<\/p>\n

The \u201cTe\u2019oing\u201d Theory:<\/strong><\/p>\n

\"Best<\/p>\n

The \u201cSEC Football Girlfriend\u201d Theory:<\/strong><\/p>\n

\"Best<\/p>\n

* * *<\/center><\/p>\n

The \u201cDeath Of The American Manly Man\u201d Thesis:<\/strong> <\/p>\n

The American Manly Man<\/a>, known the world over for centuries of bravado and gritty ingenuity, passed away during the season premiere of HBO\u2019s \u201cGirls\u201d. He was 237.<\/p>\n

His death was confirmed by American pop culture. The cause of death is still under investigation, and the U.S. Department of Health is awaiting the results of toxicology testing. Girls\u2019 obsessions with vampires, Justin Bieber, and the Snuggie are believed to be preliminary suspects.<\/p>\n

\"Best<\/p>\n

The death of the American Manly Man was not wholly unexpected. On the contrary, he had been in declining health since the bell-bottom Disco Seventies, and his condition further deteriorated during the Backstreet Boys \u2013 N\u2019Sync boy band days of the late 1990s. He suffered a major set back when Megan Fox married the guy from \u201c90210\u201d.<\/p>\n

\"Best<\/p>\n

* * *<\/center><\/p>\n

The \u201cChobani Yogurt Viral Marketing Campaign\u201d Theory:<\/strong> My friend John Kranyak is a distinguished world champion bridge player, international man of leisure, and Chobani fanatic. Mr. Kranyak passionately lauds the Chobani brand at all hours and, additionally, consumes Chobani of all varieties (except Strawberry-Banana) at all hours.\u00a0We believe Mr. Kranyak\u2019s eclectic background, brazen charisma, and Millennial vitality could pave inroads into most of the prized 25-40 male Greek yogurt demographic. We believe a video series of Mr. Kranyak touting the appeal of Chobani can unearth new demographic segmentation opportunities. We believe these have viral social media potential.<\/p>\n

We appreciate Chobani\u2019s serendipity and ingenuity. We also believe John Kranyak\u2019s vibrant personality and unique background resonate with such a message.<\/p>\n

Status:<\/strong> Made first contact with Chobani loyalty director. Tepid interest. Initial phone call scheduled for sometime this month. <\/p>\n

(If any reader has any family members or friends employed with Chobani Inc., please email me at klm2116@gmail.com.)<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

The \u201cThree Business School Theories\u201d Theory:<\/strong><\/p>\n

1.<\/strong> You don\u2019t pay for the classes. You pay for who you go to class with. Happy Hours are the true classes, and law schoolers hunkered down in nearby libraries resent loud, boozy business school students for this.<\/p>\n

2.<\/strong> The over\/under on hearing the word \u201csynergy\u201d on any given class day is 5.5 times.<\/p>\n

3.<\/strong> Every business school ethics case is exactly the same:<\/p>\n

INTRO:<\/em> ____, a senior managing director at [Insert Top Wall Street Firm Here] reflected on the last six months at the company from his desk. A sudden breeze cooled his brow.<\/p>\n

NEXT 5-7 PAGES:<\/em> Company and employee background you barely skim.<\/p>\n

DILEMMA:<\/em> The star-hire is a rainmaker who wants a promotion but his brusque personality infuriates the rest of the office. Do you fire him?<\/p>\n

CONCLUSION:<\/em> You do. (See also: Terrell Owens\u2019 NFL career)<\/p>\n

EXHIBITS:<\/em> 4 pages of charts and tables you don\u2019t read.<\/p>\n

* * *<\/center><\/p>\n

The \u201cHow To Not Go Grape-Stomping As A Local News Reporter\u201d Theory:<\/strong><\/p>\n