{"id":141859,"date":"2013-10-01T13:00:00","date_gmt":"2013-10-01T17:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.prosebeforehos.com\/?p=141859"},"modified":"2013-11-13T16:33:04","modified_gmt":"2013-11-13T21:33:04","slug":"chapter-vii-leaving-mormon-roommates-part-i","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.prosebeforehos.com\/cultural-correspondent\/10\/01\/chapter-vii-leaving-mormon-roommates-part-i\/","title":{"rendered":"Chapter VII: Leaving The Mormon Roommates (Part I)"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"Mormons<\/p>\n

Note: this is a much-anticipated continuation of an epic several-part series chronicling one East Coast liberal’s swapping the tailored clothing of Jos. A Bank for the even dreamier blue eyes of Joseph Smith. The tale begins here<\/a>.<\/em><\/p>\n

* * * * *<\/center><\/p>\n

The Mormon roommates were at breaking point.<\/p>\n

But they didn\u2019t say it. They let Selena Gomez. <\/p>\n

The Mormon roommates never said they were angry. Theirs was a ceaseless, passive-aggressive simmer. They kept up their aww-shucks, \u201cLeave It To Beaver\u201d ways for a while. But little by little, it happened. The icy silences grew colder. The eye contact, more fleeting. Until they stopped sharing the Skittles. Stopped holding doors. And started cranking the Disney Channel full blast: <\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019M GOING TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD!\u201d the Evil Selena Gomez roared.<\/p>\n

It didn\u2019t used to be this way. But the parents nagged a little longer and, maybe, a little louder than they should have. And Selena Gomez grew so tired of the nagging. So fed up with the parental whining. She did what any pouty teen with magic powers would do: she split herself in two. <\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

The Good Selena Gomez was pure of heart and never corrected by her parents again. But the Evil Selena Gomez was entombed in a mirror. And all was right in the Russo family. <\/p>\n

But the mirror shattered. And the Evil Selena Gomez was released to wreak havoc across the world and two seasons of laugh-tracked, 23-minute Disney Channel episodes. <\/p>\n

Until today. Because today the Good Selena Gomez knew what she must do. Today she realized\u2014to zapped electronic soundtrack budget\u2014the answer had been inside her along. To vanquish the Evil Good Selena Gomez, the Good Selena Gomez must turn her magic wand on herself.<\/p>\n

\"Selena<\/p>\n

I knew this because the Mormon roommates knew this. The Mormon roommates knew this because they had watched “The Wizards of Waverly Place: The Wizards Return, Alex vs. Alex” made-for-TV special. For five straight days. <\/p>\n

To be fair, “The Wizards of Waverly Place” is rated G. For All General Audiences. There is no cut-off age. But to be even more fair, when you are 32 and 34 years old and single, there really should be. <\/p>\n

The Mormon roommates used to be coy about it. Russell had a charade all worked out, even: every day I unlocked the front door, he flopped down on the couch, rubbed feigned sleep from his eyes, and asked why Devin kept leaving the Disney Channel on. <\/p>\n

Never mind that in Russell\u2019s scheme, he still fell asleep to the Disney Channel. Every day. Never mind that in Russell\u2019s scheme, I could still see everything through the apartment\u2019s sliding glass front door. Every day.<\/p>\n

Until today. Because today Russell blasted the Wizards of Waverly. Unapologetically. Because today I moved out of Willowbrook Condominiums. <\/p>\n

And today the Mormon roommates were at breaking point. <\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

It didn\u2019t used to be this way. <\/p>\n

We used to be, well, not friends, exactly. But\u2026co-existing roommates. East Coast Liberal and Midwest Mormons. United, first, out of a hastily-arranged lease through KSL.com\u2014the Mormon Craigslist, with fewer dubious walk-up sublets and more hand-me-down Missionary suits. And, later, out of a common joy for the NFL and Captain Crunch OOPS! All Berries cereal. <\/p>\n

\"LDS<\/p>\n

We used to have, well, not an alliance, exactly. But\u2026a symbiotic relationship. They invited me to play LDSopoly, the Mormon Monopoly, with Spiritual Prison instead of jail. And I invited them to watch Monday Night Football<\/a> and told them when to look away when the \u201cnaughty\u201d Danica Patrick GoDaddy.com ads came on. <\/p>\n

\"Danica<\/p>\n

The Mormon roommates said \u201cnaughty\u201d. And often. They said \u201cdang\u201d when shocked. And \u201cfetch\u201d\u2014usually to emptied chocolate milk jugs\u2014when upset. The neighbor\u2019s golden retriever in 4B was oft confused.<\/p>\n

They traded in PG-13 hypotheticals:<\/p>\n

\u201cIf you could be any Disney character, who would you be?\u201d Russell mused.<\/p>\n

\u201cAladdin,\u201d Devin smirked. \u201cThen I can take a magic carpet to my job.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou\u2019d have a genie who could grant you any wish,\u201d I sighed. \u201cWhy would you still commute to your job?\u201d <\/p>\n

\u201cYeah, maybe Simba. Then I could roar all the way to my job.\u201d<\/p>\n

They bantered in tween would-you-rathers: <\/p>\n

\u201cWould you rather have a lifetime supply of chocolate milk,\u201d Devin paused for dramatic effect, \u201cor go to every Disney World on Earth?\u201d <\/p>\n

\u201cDaaaaang.\u201d Russell mused. \u201cThat\u2019s a good one. I don\u2019t know.\u201d<\/p>\n

I learned, well, not a lot with the Mormon roommates, exactly. But\u2026I learned some things. I learned chocolate milk was invented by an Irish physicist in the 1680s. I learned there are five Disney resorts in the world with a sixth under construction in Shanghai. I learned the prized Mormon culinary innovation: fry sauce\u2014one part ketchup, two parts mayonnaise, and\u2026that\u2019s it.<\/p>\n

I learned the easiest way to charm a Mormon roommate is to imagine you\u2019re speaking with an overgrown 13 year old: Ask them their favorite Disney movie. Bribe them with Skittles. And keep the chocolate milk flowing. <\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

Theirs was a by-golly dialect dusted off from 1950s Pleasantville Americana. A simpler language from a simpler time where everyone was white, everyone wore plaid, and everyone was in bed by nine. It is best imagined in black and white crackling, grainy footage. Best listened to with the Andy Griffith theme song: <\/p>\n