I invited them to watch Monday Night Football<\/a> and told them when to look away when the \u201cnaughty\u201d Danica Patrick GoDaddy.com ads came on. <\/p>\n<\/p>\n
The Mormon roommates said \u201cnaughty\u201d. And often. They said \u201cdang\u201d when shocked. And \u201cfetch\u201d\u2014usually to emptied chocolate milk jugs\u2014when upset. The neighbor\u2019s golden retriever in 4B was oft confused.<\/p>\n
They traded in PG-13 hypotheticals:<\/p>\n
\u201cIf you could be any Disney character, who would you be?\u201d Russell mused.<\/p>\n
\u201cAladdin,\u201d Devin smirked. \u201cThen I can take a magic carpet to my job.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou\u2019d have a genie who could grant you any wish,\u201d I sighed. \u201cWhy would you still commute to your job?\u201d <\/p>\n
\u201cYeah, maybe Simba. Then I could roar all the way to my job.\u201d<\/p>\n
They bantered in tween would-you-rathers: <\/p>\n
\u201cWould you rather have a lifetime supply of chocolate milk,\u201d Devin paused for dramatic effect, \u201cor go to every Disney World on Earth?\u201d <\/p>\n
\u201cDaaaaang.\u201d Russell mused. \u201cThat\u2019s a good one. I don\u2019t know.\u201d<\/p>\n
I learned, well, not a lot with the Mormon roommates, exactly. But\u2026I learned some things. I learned chocolate milk was invented by an Irish physicist in the 1680s. I learned there are five Disney resorts in the world with a sixth under construction in Shanghai. I learned the prized Mormon culinary innovation: fry sauce\u2014one part ketchup, two parts mayonnaise, and\u2026that\u2019s it.<\/p>\n
I learned the easiest way to charm a Mormon roommate is to imagine you\u2019re speaking with an overgrown 13 year old: Ask them their favorite Disney movie. Bribe them with Skittles. And keep the chocolate milk flowing. <\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
Theirs was a by-golly dialect dusted off from 1950s Pleasantville Americana. A simpler language from a simpler time where everyone was white, everyone wore plaid, and everyone was in bed by nine. It is best imagined in black and white crackling, grainy footage. Best listened to with the Andy Griffith theme song: <\/p>\n