{"id":3261,"date":"2009-01-22T18:15:54","date_gmt":"2009-01-22T23:15:54","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.prosebeforehos.com\/?p=3261"},"modified":"2012-12-26T16:08:30","modified_gmt":"2012-12-26T21:08:30","slug":"flat-crowded-and-moronic","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.prosebeforehos.com\/article-of-the-day\/01\/22\/flat-crowded-and-moronic\/","title":{"rendered":"Flat, Crowded, And Moronic"},"content":{"rendered":"

The Article:<\/strong> Matt Taibbi’s review<\/a> of Thomas Friedmans latest book, Hot, Flat and Crowded<\/em>.<\/p>\n

The Text: <\/strong> When some time ago a friend of mine told me that Thomas Friedman\u2019s new book, Hot, Flat, and Crowded, was going to be a kind of environmentalist clarion call against American consumerism, I almost died laughing.<\/p>\n

Beautiful, I thought. Just when you begin to lose faith in America\u2019s ability to fall for absolutely anything\u2014just when you begin to think we Americans as a race might finally outgrow the lovable credulousness that leads us to fork over our credit card numbers to every half-baked TV pitchman hawking a magic dick-enlarging pill, or a way to make millions on the Internet while sitting at home and pounding doughnuts\u2014 along comes Thomas Friedman, porn-stached resident of a positively obscene 114,000 11,400 square foot suburban Maryland mega-monstro-mansion and husband to the heir of one of the largest shopping-mall chains in the world, reinventing himself as an oracle of anti-consumerist conservationism.<\/p>\n

Where does a man who needs his own offshore drilling platform just to keep the east wing of his house heated get the balls to write a book chiding America for driving energy inefficient automobiles? Where does a guy whose family bulldozed 2.1 million square feet of pristine Hawaiian wilderness to put a Gap, an Old Navy, a Sears, an Abercrombie and even a motherfucking Foot Locker in paradise get off preaching to the rest of us about the need for a \u201cGreen Revolution\u201d? Well, he\u2019ll explain it all to you in 438 crisply written pages for just $27.95, $30.95 if you have the misfortune to be Canadian.<\/p>\n

I\u2019ve been unhealthily obsessed with Thomas Friedman for more than a decade now. For most of that time, I just thought he was funny. And admittedly, what I thought was funniest about him was the kind of stuff that only another writer would really care about\u2014in particular his tortured use of the English language. Like George W. Bush with his Bushisms, Friedman came up with lines so hilarious you couldn\u2019t make them up even if you were trying\u2014and when you tried to actually picture the \u201cillustrative\u201d figures of speech he offered to explain himself, what you often ended up with was pure physical comedy of the Buster Keaton\/Three Stooges school, with whole nations and peoples slipping and falling on the misplaced banana peels of his literary endeavors.<\/p>\n

Remember Friedman\u2019s take on Bush\u2019s Iraq policy? \u201cIt\u2019s OK to throw out your steering wheel,\u201d he wrote, \u201cas long as you remember you\u2019re driving without one.\u201d Picture that for a minute. Or how about Friedman\u2019s analysis of America\u2019s foreign policy outlook last May:<\/p>\n

The first rule of holes is when you\u2019re in one, stop digging.When you\u2019re in three, bring a lot of shovels.\u201d<\/p>\n

First of all, how can any single person be in three holes at once? Secondly, what the fuck is he talking about? If you\u2019re supposed to stop digging when you\u2019re in one hole, why should you dig more in three? How does that even begin to make sense? It\u2019s stuff like this that makes me wonder if the editors over at the New York Times editorial page spend their afternoons dropping acid or drinking rubbing alcohol. Sending a line like that into print is the journalism equivalent of a security guard at a nuke plant waving a pair of mullahs in explosive vests through the front gate. It should never, ever happen.<\/p>\n

Even better was this gem from one of Friedman\u2019s latest columns: \u201cThe fighting, death and destruction in Gaza is painful to watch. But it\u2019s all too familiar. It\u2019s the latest version of the longest-running play in the modern Middle East, which, if I were to give it a title, would be called: \u201cWho owns this hotel? Can the Jews have a room? And shouldn\u2019t we blow up the bar and replace it with a mosque?\u201d There are many serious questions one could ask about this passage, but the one that leaped out at me was this: In the \u201ctitle\u201d of that long-running play, is it supposed to be the same person asking all three of those questions? If so, does that person suffer from multiple personality disorder? Because in the first question, he is a neutral\/ignorant observer of the Mideast drama; in the second he sympathizes with the Jews; in the third he\u2019s a radical Muslim. Moreover, after you blow up the bar and replace it with a mosque, is the surrounding hotel still there? Why would anyone build a mosque in a half-blown-up hotel? Perhaps Friedman should have written the passage like this: \u201cIt\u2019s the latest version of the longest-running play in the modern Middle East, which, if I were to give it a title, would be called: \u201cWho owns this hotel? And why did a person suffering from multiple personality disorder build a mosque inside it after blowing up the bar and asking if there was a room for the Jews? Why? Because his editor\u2019s been drinking rubbing alcohol!\u201d OK, so maybe all of this is unfair.There are a lot of people out there who think Friedman has not been treated fairly by critics like me, that focusing on his literary struggles is a snobbish, below-the-belt tactic\u2014a cheap shot that belies the strength of his overall \u201carguments.\u201d Who cares, these people say, if Friedman\u2019s book The World is Flat should probably have been titled Theif he had wanted the book\u2019s title to match its \u201cpoint\u201d about living in an age of increased global interconnectedness? And who cares if it doesn\u2019t quite make sense when Friedman says that Iraq is like a \u201cvase we broke in order to get rid of the rancid water inside?\u201dWho cares that you can just pour water out of a vase, that only a fucking lunatic breaks a perfectly good vase just to empty it of water? You\u2019re missing the point, folks say, and the point is all in Friedman\u2019s highly nuanced ideas about world politics and the economy\u2014if you could just get past his well-meaning attempts to explain himself, you\u2019d see that, and maybe you\u2019d even learn something.<\/p>\n

My initial answer to that is that Friedman\u2019s language choices over the years have been highly revealing: When a man who thinks you need to break a vase to get the water out of it starts arguing that you need to invade a country in order to change the minds of its people, you might want to start paying attention to how his approach to the vase problem worked out.Thomas Friedman is not a president, a pope, a general on the field of battle or any other kind of man of action. He doesn\u2019t actually do anything apart from talk about shit in a newspaper. So in my mind it\u2019s highly relevant if his manner of speaking is fucked.<\/p>\n

But whatever, let\u2019s concede the point, forget about the crazy metaphors for a moment, and look at the actual content of Hot, Flat and Crowded. Many people have rightly seen this new greenish pseudo-progressive tract as an ideological departure from Friedman\u2019s previous works, which were all virtually identical exercises in bald greed-worship and capitalist tent-pitching. Approach-and-rhetoric wise, however, it\u2019s the same old Friedman, a tireless social scientist whose research methods mainly include lunching, reading road signs, and watching people board airplanes.<\/p>\n

Like The World is Flat, a book borne of Friedman\u2019s stirring experience of seeing IBM sign in the distance while golfing in Bangalore, Hot,Flat and Crowded is a book whose great insights come when Friedman golfs (on global warming allowing him more winter golf days:\u201cI will still take advantage of it\u2014but I no longer think of it as something I got for free\u201d), looks at Burger King signs (upon seeing a \u201cnightmarish neon blur\u201d of KFC, BK and McDonald\u2019s signs in Texas, he realizes: \u201cWe\u2019re on a fool\u2019s errand\u201d), and reads bumper stickers (the \u201cOsama Loves your SUV\u201d sticker he read turns into the thesis of his \u201cFill \u2018er up with Dictators\u201d chapter). This is Friedman\u2019s life: He flies around the world, eats pricey lunches with other rich people and draws conclusions about the future of humanity by looking out his hotel window and counting the Applebee\u2019s signs.<\/p>\n

Friedman frequently uses a rhetorical technique that goes something like this: \u201cI was in Dubai with the general counsel of BP last year, watching 500 Balinese textile workers get on a train, when suddenly I said to myself, \u2018We need better headlights for our tri-plane.\u2019\u201d And off he goes.You the reader end up spending so much time wondering what Dubai, BP and all those Balinese workers have to do with the rest of the story that you don\u2019t notice that tri-planes don\u2019t have headlights.And by the time you get all that sorted out, your well-lit tri-plane is flying from chapter to chapter delivering a million geo-green pizzas to a million Noahs on a million Arks. And you give up. There\u2019s so much shit flying around the book\u2019s atmosphere that you don\u2019t notice the only action is Friedman talking to himself.<\/p>\n

In The World is Flat, the key action scene of the book comes when Friedman experiences his pseudo-epiphany about the Flat world while talking with himself in front of InfoSys CEO Nandan Nilekani. In Hot, Flat and Crowded, the money shot comes when Friedman starts doodling on a napkin over lunch with Mois\u00e9s Na\u00edm, editor of Foreign Policy magazine. The pre-lunching Friedman starts drawing, and the wisdom just comes pouring out:<\/p>\n

I laid out my napkin and drew a graph showing how there seemed to be a rough correlation between the price of oil, between 1975 and 2005, and the pace of freedom in oil-producing states during those same years.<\/p>\n

Friedman then draws his napkin-graph, and much to the pundit\u2019s surprise, it turns out that there is almost an exact correlation between high oil prices and \u201cunfreedom\u201d! The graph contains two lines, one showing a rising and then descending slope of \u201cfreedom,\u201d and one showing a descending and then rising course of oil prices.<\/p>\n

Friedman plots exactly four points on the graph over the course of those 30 years. In 1989, as oil prices are falling, Friedman writes, \u201cBerlin Wall Torn Down.\u201d In 1993, again as oil prices are low, he writes, \u201cNigeria Privatizes First Oil Field.\u201d 1997, oil prices still low, \u201cIran Calls for Dialogue of Civilizations.\u201d Then, finally, 2005, a year of high oil prices: \u201cIran calls for Israel\u2019s destruction.\u201dTake a look for yourself: I looked at this and thought: \u201cGosh, what a neat trick!\u201d Then I sat down and drew up my own graph, called SIZE OF VALERIE BERTINELLI\u2019S ASS, 1985-2008, vs. HAP- PINESS. It turns out that there is an almost exact correlation! Note the four points on the graph:<\/p>\n

\"Graph<\/center><\/p>\n

1990: Release of Miller\u2019s Crossing<\/p>\n

1996-97: Crabs<\/p>\n

2001: Ate bad tuna fish sandwich at Times Square Blimpie; felt sick 2008: Barack Obama elected<\/p>\n

That was so much fun, I drew another one! This one is called AMERICAN PORK BELLY PRICES vs. WHAT MIDGETS THINK ABOUT AUSTRALIA 1972-2002.<\/p>\n

\"Graph<\/center><\/p>\n

Or how about this one, called NUMBER OF ONE- EYED RETARDED FLIES IN THE STATE OF NORTH CAROLINA vs. LIKELIHOOD OF NUCLEAR COM- BAT ON INDIAN SUBCONTINENT.<\/p>\n

\"Graph<\/center><\/p>\n

Obviously this sounds like a flippant analysis, but that\u2019s more or less exactly what Friedman is up to here. If you\u2019re going to draw a line that measures the level of \u201cfreedom\u201d across the entire world and on that line plot just four randomly-selected points in time over the course of 30 years\u2014and one of your top four \u201cfreedom points\u201d in a 30-year period of human history is the privatization of a Nigerian oil field\u2014well, what the fuck? What can\u2019t you argue, if that\u2019s how you\u2019re going to make your point? He could have graphed a line in the opposite direction by replacing Berlin with Tiananmen Square, substituting Iraqi elections for Iran\u2019s call for Israel\u2019s destruction (incidentally, when in the last half-century or so have Islamic extremists not called for Israel\u2019s destruction?), junking Iran\u2019s 1997 call for dialogue for the U.S. sanctions against Iran in \u201995, and so on. It\u2019s crazy, a game of Scrabble where the words don\u2019t have to connect on the board, or a mathematician coming up with the equation A B -3X = Swedish girls like chocolate.<\/p>\n

Getting to the \u201cideas\u201d in the book: Its basic premise is that America\u2019s decades-long habit of gluttonous energy consumption has adversely affected humanity because a) while the earth could support America\u2019s indulgence, it can\u2019t sustain two billion endlessly-copulating Chinese should they all choose to live in American-style excess, and b) the exploding global demand for oil artificially subsidizes repressive Middle Eastern dictatorships that would otherwise have to rely on tax revenue (read: listen to their people) in order to survive, and this subsidy leads to terrorism and a spread of \u201cunfreedom.\u201d<\/p>\n

Regarding the first point, Friedman writes:<\/p>\n

Because if the spread of freedom and free markets is not accompanied by a new approach to how we produce energy and treat the environment\u2026 then Mother Nature and planet earth will impose their own constraints and limits on our way of life\u2014constraints that will be worse than communism.<\/p>\n

Three observations about this touching and seemingly remarkable development, i.e. onetime unrepentant free-market icon Thomas Friedman suddenly coming out huge for the environment and against the evils of gross consumerism:<\/p>\n

1. The need for massive investment in green energy is an idea so obvious and inoffensive that even presidential candidates from both parties could be seen fighting over who\u2019s for it more in nationally televised debates last fall;<\/p>\n

2. I wish I had the balls to first spend six long years madly cheering on an Iraq war that not only reintroduced Sharia law to the streets of Baghdad, but radicalized the entire Islamic world against American influence\u2014and then write a book blaming the spread of fundamentalist Islam on the ignorant consumers of the middle American heartland, who bought too many Hummers and spent too much time shopping for iPods in my wife\u2019s giganto-malls.<\/p>\n

3. To review quickly, the \u201cLong Bomb\u201d Iraq war plan Friedman supported as a means of transforming the Middle East blew up in his and everyone else\u2019s face; the \u201cElectronic Herd\u201d of highly volatile international capital markets he once touted as an economic cure-all not only didn\u2019t pan out, but led the world into a terrifying chasm of seemingly irreversible economic catastrophe; his beloved \u201cGolden Straitjacket\u201d of American-style global development (forced on the world by the \u201chidden fist\u201d of American military power) turned out to be the vehicle for the very energy\/ecological crisis Friedman himself warns about in his new book; and, most humorously, the \u201cFlat World\u201d consumer economics Friedman marveled at so voluminously turned out to be grounded in such total unreality that even his wife\u2019s once-mighty shopping mall empire, General Growth Properties, has lost 99 percent of its value in this year alone.<\/p>\n

So, yes, Friedman is suddenly an environmentalist of sorts.<\/p>\n

What the fuck else is he going to be? All the other ideas he spent the last ten years humping have been blown to hell. Color me unimpressed that he scrounged one more thing to sell out of the smoldering, discredited wreck that should be his career; that he had the good sense to quickly reinvent himself before angry Gods remembered to dash his brains out with a lightning bolt. But better late than never, I suppose. Or as Friedman might say, \u201cBetter two cell phones than a fish in your zipper.\u201d <\/p>\n

See Also:<\/strong> Matt Taibbi: Someone Take Away Thomas Friedman’s Computer Before He Types Another Sentence<\/a>, Thomas Friedman is a buncombe dealer<\/a>, More Friedman follies<\/a>, Clipping the Mustache<\/a>, and The trouble with Friedman<\/a>.<\/p>\n

[tags]matt taibbi, matt taibi, review of hot flat and crowded, thomas friedman, tom friedman, review, book review, hot flat and crowded, the world is flat, economics, globalization, thomas friedman is a fucking idiot, new york times[\/tags]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

The Article: Matt Taibbi’s review of Thomas Friedmans latest book, Hot, Flat and Crowded. The Text: When some time ago a friend of mine told me that Thomas Friedman\u2019s new book, Hot, Flat, and Crowded, was going to be a kind of environmentalist clarion call against American consumerism, I almost died laughing. Beautiful, I thought. 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