{"id":5514,"date":"2010-07-22T02:45:00","date_gmt":"2010-07-22T06:45:00","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.prosebeforehos.com\/?p=5514"},"modified":"2013-04-21T18:04:44","modified_gmt":"2013-04-21T22:04:44","slug":"the-7-biggest-losers-of-the-half-year","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.prosebeforehos.com\/anonymous_banker\/07\/22\/the-7-biggest-losers-of-the-half-year\/","title":{"rendered":"The 7 Biggest Losers Of The Half-Year"},"content":{"rendered":"

LeLoser Of The Half-Year, LeBron James:<\/strong> You had it all. You were the hometown boy bringing the local team to the cusp of NBA glory and immortality. You were so beloved even President Obama said he was you: \u201cI\u2019m LeBron, baby! I got this.\u201d <\/p>\n

But then you quit. You bailed on your Cleveland Cavaliers when the going got tough against the Celtics in the playoffs. Then you deserted them for good in free agency a few weeks later. The irony is your Cavaliers were arguably the best team in the league last year. Everyone just got hurt, including your own elbow\u2014now closing in on 17,000 followers on Twitter<\/a>. But you didn\u2019t just bail on your home-state, you opted to dump Ohio on the grandest stage possible. You arranged an ESPN made-for-TV event dubbed \u201cThe Decision\u201d to announce you would be \u201ctaking [your] talents to the South Beach\u201d.<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

Admit it. You were afraid you\u2019d be another Kevin Garnett. A.k.a. a freakish, high-school-straight-to-the-pros prodigy who let his prime years go to waste for an also-ran team in the Midwest. You panicked about the rings. Jordan won 6. Kobe now has 5. DWade, 1. You have 0.<\/p>\n

And LeBacklash began. You, with the Akron area code inked on your arm had to flee your own state. Cleveland fans are burning your jersey. There\u2019s now even a beer named after you. Great Lakes Brewing Co. created “Quitness”, a dry hopped India pale ale that leaves an appropriately bitter aftertaste. The most recent batch sold out in three hours\u2014almost as quickly as LeBron did. <\/p>\n

So now we are all witnesses \u2026 to a sidekick in Miami. The Heat will always be Dwyane Wade\u2019s team. He already brought Miami a championship, and now he miraculously recruited the top two players on the market to join him. LeBron will merely be the super-star who couldn\u2019t win one with the cards he was dealt and bailed for the better hand. In baseball terms, LeBron will be the Alex Rodriguez to Dwyane Wade\u2019s Derek Jeter. <\/p>\n

\"Mirror<\/p>\n

In Star Wars terms, LeBron is now Anakin Skywalker. He switched to the Dark Side under the lure of the Evil Emperor (Pat Riley). But fortunately for the small market NBA team Jedi, there is one more. The day before LeBron admitted he couldn\u2019t win a ring by himself, Kevin Durant quietly tweeted his 5 year extension with the Oklahoma City Thunder. Kevin Durant is the Luke Skywalker for the small-market team trying to compete with the massive media markets. Last season, Durant became the youngest scoring champ in NBA history, pushed the eventual champion LA Lakers to seven games, and flashed a Jordanian canny to score at will.<\/p>\n

Back in Michael Jordan\u2019s day, he just took out a page in the Chicago Tribune saying he was back. Now His Airness is pillorying LeBron for jumping ship, saying in his day he would never imagine teaming up with his nemesis Detroit \u201cBad Boys\u201d Pistons. Magic Johnson and Larry Bird wouldn\u2019t even speak to each other during their storied 1980s rivalry. The NBA just isn\u2019t that a) talented and b) hard these days. Now LeBron bikes around with Carmelo Anthony and Dwyane Wade in Beijing<\/a>.<\/p>\n

For taking the easy way out. For slamming your legacy harder than one of your trademark Tomahawk jams, LeBron James is 2010\u2019s Worst Person Of The Half-Year.<\/p>\n

#2: Summer Movies Not Named \u201cInception\u201d:<\/strong><\/p>\n

a) \u201cGrown Ups\u201d (Rotten Tomato Rating: 10%)<\/p>\n

Dear Adam Sandler & Chris Rock,<\/p>\n

You are both legitimately funny and worth hundreds of millions of dollars. So aren’t you past the point in your careers where you need to work with David Spade and the Fat Guy from the \u201cKing of Queens\u201d?<\/p>\n

b) \u201cPrince Of Persia\u201d (Rotten Tomato Rating: 37%) <\/p>\n

Why is the Prince of Persia a white guy (Jake Gyllenhaal) faking an English accent?<\/p>\n

c) \u201cSex & The City 2\u201d (Rotten Tomato Ranking: 16%)<\/p>\n

In the words of Lindy West from The Stranger<\/a>, “If this is what modern womanhood means, then just f—ing veil me and sew up all my holes. Good night.”<\/p>\n

#3 Arizona:<\/strong> \u201cI was also going to give a graduation speech in Arizona this weekend. But with my accent, I was afraid they would try to deport me.\u201d \u2013Terminator-turned-California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger.<\/p>\n

#4 NBC:<\/strong> Let\u2019s see. You lost over $200 million dollars on the Vancouver Winter Olympics this February. You lost another $35 million inadvertently making a martyr out of Conan O\u2019Brien a month later. You then brought back Jay Leno\u2026 to only get worse ratings than ever. <\/p>\n

Even President Obama can rip on you: \u201cThough I am glad that the only person whose ratings fell more than mine last year is here tonight. Great to see you Jay. I’m also glad that I’m speaking first. We’ve all seen what happens when somebody takes the time slot after Leno\u2019s.\u201d It got so bad a Taiwanese news station simulated a wrestling cartoon match with Jeff Zucker & Jay Leno tag-teaming Conan O\u2019Brien & Jimmy Kimmel:<\/p>\n