{"id":8619,"date":"2011-09-12T12:25:09","date_gmt":"2011-09-12T16:25:09","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.prosebeforehos.com\/?p=8619"},"modified":"2013-04-02T11:13:44","modified_gmt":"2013-04-02T15:13:44","slug":"the-top-three-osama-bin-laden-hunters","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.prosebeforehos.com\/anonymous_banker\/09\/12\/the-top-three-osama-bin-laden-hunters\/","title":{"rendered":"The Top Three Osama Bin Laden Hunters"},"content":{"rendered":"

3. The Ex-Con Ninja With A Home Shopping Network Knife<\/strong><\/p>\n

The sixth time he tried to capture Osama Bin Laden lasted all of three seconds. Gary\u2019s hang-glider nose-dived and dragged him across jagged rocks. He broke his shoulder and several ribs. Gary tried it again the following year (Attempt #7) a little closer to the water this time. He tore up his shins skidding across the beach and just ditched the glider right there.<\/p>\n

To be fair, Gary Faulkner is making progress. The first time he tried to find Osama he bought a boat\u2014even though he had never sailed before\u2014and set out from San Diego harbor without a lifejacket, flares, or food. His plan was to just head West until he hit land and eventually Pakistan. A hurricane had other plans, however, and lashed Faulkner\u2019s boat against the Baja peninsula within days.<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/p>\n

Gary Faulkner is our Don Quixote. He\u2019s a 50-year old ex-con with failing kidneys who is probably certifiably insane. Faulkner knows bin Laden has a similar kidney ailment, so he plans to hook himself into Osama\u2019s dialysis machine upon discovery and then escort the villain to Pakistan security forces. <\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

Armed with a sword he bought on the Home Shopping Network and an $8 pawnshop knife, he has tried to capture Osama Bin Laden eleven times. He\u2019s been foiled by everything from the Pacific (Attempts #1 & 2) to earthquakes (Attempt #4) to the laws of gravity (Attempts #6 &7) to custom agents (Attempt #8) to the uber-manly not-asking-for-directions (Attempts #9, 10, and 11), yet Faulkner perseveres. He made global news last June when he was arrested for traversing the Pakistan hinterlands by foot (Attempt #11). <\/p>\n

There will be no Attempt #12. But now Falkner hunts for the bounty money. As he tells it, he served up Osama Bin Laden on a \u201csilver platter.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI had a major hand [to] play in this wonderful thing, getting him out of the mountains and down to the valleys… Someone had to get him out of there. That\u2019s where I came in,\u201d Falkner told ABC News. \u201cI scared the squirrel out of his hole, he popped his head up and he got capped.\u201d<\/p>\n

The White House was unavailable for comment. <\/p>\n

2. The Deranged Diver<\/strong><\/p>\n

\"\"<\/p>\n

He knows the corpse must be down there somewhere. The water-logged, bullet-riddled corpse of the world\u2019s most wanted man surely lies anchored somewhere to the Indian Ocean seafloor.<\/p>\n

It\u2019s why diver Bill Warren will spend up to $1 million combing the depths for Osama Bin Laden. \u201cThere is still a $25 million reward that no one has collected, and the reward says dead or alive,\u201d Warren reasoned. \u201cWell, if\u2014in fact\u2014he is dead, then I could collect the $25 million reward. Why not?\u201d<\/p>\n

Maybe because the White House formally stated the reward money has been canceled. Or because the Indian Ocean spans 28,350,000 square miles. Or possibly because of the sharks.<\/p>\n

But these are trifling details to Bill Warren. The diver avers he has found every ship-wreck he ever sought. A bagged-up body should be no different. \u201cWell,\u201d he told CNN, \u201cyou can get lucky\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

UPDATE:<\/strong> Bill Warren has not found Osama Bin Laden\u2019s body.<\/p>\n

1. The President of the United States<\/strong><\/p>\n

\"\"<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

3. The Ex-Con Ninja With A Home Shopping Network Knife The sixth time he tried to capture Osama Bin Laden lasted all of three seconds. Gary\u2019s hang-glider nose-dived and dragged him across jagged rocks. He broke his shoulder and several ribs. Gary tried it again the following year (Attempt #7) a little closer to the […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":6,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[259],"tags":[],"yoast_head":"\nThe Top Three Osama Bin Laden Hunters - Prose Before Hos<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"3. The Ex-Con Ninja With A Home Shopping Network Knife The sixth time he tried to capture Osama Bin Laden lasted all of three seconds. Gary\u2019s hang-glider\" \/>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/www.prosebeforehos.com\/anonymous_banker\/09\/12\/the-top-three-osama-bin-laden-hunters\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"The Top Three Osama Bin Laden Hunters - Prose Before Hos\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"3. The Ex-Con Ninja With A Home Shopping Network Knife The sixth time he tried to capture Osama Bin Laden lasted all of three seconds. Gary\u2019s hang-glider\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:url\" content=\"https:\/\/www.prosebeforehos.com\/anonymous_banker\/09\/12\/the-top-three-osama-bin-laden-hunters\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:site_name\" content=\"Prose Before Hos\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:published_time\" content=\"2011-09-12T16:25:09+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:modified_time\" content=\"2013-04-02T15:13:44+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:image\" content=\"http:\/\/www.prosebeforehos.com\/wordpress\/wp-content\/uploads\/2011\/09\/gary-faulkner-osama-bin-laden-hunter.jpg\" \/>\n<meta name=\"author\" content=\"anonymous_banker\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:card\" content=\"summary_large_image\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:creator\" content=\"@pbhnetwork\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:site\" content=\"@pbhnetwork\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:label1\" content=\"Written by\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data1\" content=\"anonymous_banker\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:label2\" content=\"Est. reading time\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data2\" content=\"3 minutes\" \/>\n<script type=\"application\/ld+json\" class=\"yoast-schema-graph\">{\"@context\":\"https:\/\/schema.org\",\"@graph\":[{\"@type\":\"WebPage\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.prosebeforehos.com\/anonymous_banker\/09\/12\/the-top-three-osama-bin-laden-hunters\/\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/www.prosebeforehos.com\/anonymous_banker\/09\/12\/the-top-three-osama-bin-laden-hunters\/\",\"name\":\"The Top Three Osama Bin Laden Hunters - Prose Before Hos\",\"isPartOf\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.prosebeforehos.com\/#website\"},\"datePublished\":\"2011-09-12T16:25:09+00:00\",\"dateModified\":\"2013-04-02T15:13:44+00:00\",\"author\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.prosebeforehos.com\/#\/schema\/person\/caa2029a36f3fefc3ef644239a694503\"},\"description\":\"3. The Ex-Con Ninja With A Home Shopping Network Knife The sixth time he tried to capture Osama Bin Laden lasted all of three seconds. Gary\u2019s hang-glider\",\"breadcrumb\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.prosebeforehos.com\/anonymous_banker\/09\/12\/the-top-three-osama-bin-laden-hunters\/#breadcrumb\"},\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\",\"potentialAction\":[{\"@type\":\"ReadAction\",\"target\":[\"https:\/\/www.prosebeforehos.com\/anonymous_banker\/09\/12\/the-top-three-osama-bin-laden-hunters\/\"]}]},{\"@type\":\"BreadcrumbList\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.prosebeforehos.com\/anonymous_banker\/09\/12\/the-top-three-osama-bin-laden-hunters\/#breadcrumb\",\"itemListElement\":[{\"@type\":\"ListItem\",\"position\":1,\"name\":\"Home\",\"item\":\"https:\/\/www.prosebeforehos.com\/\"},{\"@type\":\"ListItem\",\"position\":2,\"name\":\"The Top Three Osama Bin Laden Hunters\"}]},{\"@type\":\"WebSite\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.prosebeforehos.com\/#website\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/www.prosebeforehos.com\/\",\"name\":\"Prose Before Hos\",\"description\":\"The Far Side Of Politics\",\"potentialAction\":[{\"@type\":\"SearchAction\",\"target\":{\"@type\":\"EntryPoint\",\"urlTemplate\":\"https:\/\/www.prosebeforehos.com\/?s={search_term_string}\"},\"query-input\":\"required name=search_term_string\"}],\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\"},{\"@type\":\"Person\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.prosebeforehos.com\/#\/schema\/person\/caa2029a36f3fefc3ef644239a694503\",\"name\":\"anonymous_banker\",\"sameAs\":[\"http:\/\/prosebeforehos.com\"],\"url\":\"https:\/\/www.prosebeforehos.com\/author\/anonymous_banker\/\"}]}<\/script>\n<!-- \/ Yoast SEO plugin. -->","yoast_head_json":{"title":"The Top Three Osama Bin Laden Hunters - Prose Before Hos","description":"3. The Ex-Con Ninja With A Home Shopping Network Knife The sixth time he tried to capture Osama Bin Laden lasted all of three seconds. Gary\u2019s hang-glider","robots":{"index":"index","follow":"follow","max-snippet":"max-snippet:-1","max-image-preview":"max-image-preview:large","max-video-preview":"max-video-preview:-1"},"canonical":"https:\/\/www.prosebeforehos.com\/anonymous_banker\/09\/12\/the-top-three-osama-bin-laden-hunters\/","og_locale":"en_US","og_type":"article","og_title":"The Top Three Osama Bin Laden Hunters - Prose Before Hos","og_description":"3. The Ex-Con Ninja With A Home Shopping Network Knife The sixth time he tried to capture Osama Bin Laden lasted all of three seconds. Gary\u2019s hang-glider","og_url":"https:\/\/www.prosebeforehos.com\/anonymous_banker\/09\/12\/the-top-three-osama-bin-laden-hunters\/","og_site_name":"Prose Before Hos","article_published_time":"2011-09-12T16:25:09+00:00","article_modified_time":"2013-04-02T15:13:44+00:00","og_image":[{"url":"http:\/\/www.prosebeforehos.com\/wordpress\/wp-content\/uploads\/2011\/09\/gary-faulkner-osama-bin-laden-hunter.jpg"}],"author":"anonymous_banker","twitter_card":"summary_large_image","twitter_creator":"@pbhnetwork","twitter_site":"@pbhnetwork","twitter_misc":{"Written by":"anonymous_banker","Est. reading time":"3 minutes"},"schema":{"@context":"https:\/\/schema.org","@graph":[{"@type":"WebPage","@id":"https:\/\/www.prosebeforehos.com\/anonymous_banker\/09\/12\/the-top-three-osama-bin-laden-hunters\/","url":"https:\/\/www.prosebeforehos.com\/anonymous_banker\/09\/12\/the-top-three-osama-bin-laden-hunters\/","name":"The Top Three Osama Bin Laden Hunters - Prose Before Hos","isPartOf":{"@id":"https:\/\/www.prosebeforehos.com\/#website"},"datePublished":"2011-09-12T16:25:09+00:00","dateModified":"2013-04-02T15:13:44+00:00","author":{"@id":"https:\/\/www.prosebeforehos.com\/#\/schema\/person\/caa2029a36f3fefc3ef644239a694503"},"description":"3. The Ex-Con Ninja With A Home Shopping Network Knife The sixth time he tried to capture Osama Bin Laden lasted all of three seconds. Gary\u2019s hang-glider","breadcrumb":{"@id":"https:\/\/www.prosebeforehos.com\/anonymous_banker\/09\/12\/the-top-three-osama-bin-laden-hunters\/#breadcrumb"},"inLanguage":"en-US","potentialAction":[{"@type":"ReadAction","target":["https:\/\/www.prosebeforehos.com\/anonymous_banker\/09\/12\/the-top-three-osama-bin-laden-hunters\/"]}]},{"@type":"BreadcrumbList","@id":"https:\/\/www.prosebeforehos.com\/anonymous_banker\/09\/12\/the-top-three-osama-bin-laden-hunters\/#breadcrumb","itemListElement":[{"@type":"ListItem","position":1,"name":"Home","item":"https:\/\/www.prosebeforehos.com\/"},{"@type":"ListItem","position":2,"name":"The Top Three Osama Bin Laden Hunters"}]},{"@type":"WebSite","@id":"https:\/\/www.prosebeforehos.com\/#website","url":"https:\/\/www.prosebeforehos.com\/","name":"Prose Before Hos","description":"The Far Side Of Politics","potentialAction":[{"@type":"SearchAction","target":{"@type":"EntryPoint","urlTemplate":"https:\/\/www.prosebeforehos.com\/?s={search_term_string}"},"query-input":"required name=search_term_string"}],"inLanguage":"en-US"},{"@type":"Person","@id":"https:\/\/www.prosebeforehos.com\/#\/schema\/person\/caa2029a36f3fefc3ef644239a694503","name":"anonymous_banker","sameAs":["http:\/\/prosebeforehos.com"],"url":"https:\/\/www.prosebeforehos.com\/author\/anonymous_banker\/"}]}},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.prosebeforehos.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/8619"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.prosebeforehos.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.prosebeforehos.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.prosebeforehos.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/6"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.prosebeforehos.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=8619"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/www.prosebeforehos.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/8619\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":138119,"href":"https:\/\/www.prosebeforehos.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/8619\/revisions\/138119"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.prosebeforehos.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=8619"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.prosebeforehos.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=8619"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.prosebeforehos.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=8619"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}