{"id":9425,"date":"2011-11-15T21:03:56","date_gmt":"2011-11-16T02:03:56","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.prosebeforehos.com\/?p=9425"},"modified":"2012-12-26T20:07:58","modified_gmt":"2012-12-27T01:07:58","slug":"the-mormon-diaries-chapter-1-the-neighbors","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.prosebeforehos.com\/cultural-correspondent\/11\/15\/the-mormon-diaries-chapter-1-the-neighbors\/","title":{"rendered":"The Mormon Diaries: Chapter 1 &#8211; The Neighbors"},"content":{"rendered":"<p>They thought I had a speech impediment. Or, at the very least, a mild learning disability. <\/p>\n<p><em>First night in the new condo. Why not invite the neighbors over?<\/em>, I figured. <em>Down a couple shots, pregame through an <a href=\"http:\/\/www.amazon.com\/gp\/product\/B000RW3VDE\/ref=as_li_ss_tl?ie=UTF8&#038;tag=probefhos-20&#038;linkCode=as2&#038;camp=217145&#038;creative=399373&#038;creativeASIN=B000RW3VDE\">It\u2019s Always Sunny In Philadelphia<\/a> episode, and see where the night took us.<\/em><\/p>\n<p>In New York City, this would be fool-proof. It would invariably led to a club, mysterious $91 bar tab, 4:11 AM slice of baked ziti pizza, Coconut Water-infused Sunday recovery, and an all-around \u201csolid\u201d weekend.<\/p>\n<p>But this was not New York City. This was Utah. <em>The<\/em> bar (there\u2019s only one) closed at midnight. Baked ziti was simply a greasy lunch side at Sizzler\u2019s. And the neighbors were Mormon. <\/p>\n<p>They didn\u2019t drink. They prayed. They didn\u2019t watch R-rated TV or go to clubs. They attended prayer ward, went bowling, and were in bed by 10:30. <\/p>\n<p>I didn\u2019t know this at the time, of course.<\/p>\n<p><!--more--><\/p>\n<p><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" src=\"http:\/\/www.prosebeforehos.com\/wordpress\/wp-content\/uploads\/2011\/11\/mormons-bowling.jpg\" alt=\"\" title=\"mormons-bowling\" width=\"525\" height=\"416\" class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-9429\" srcset=\"https:\/\/www.prosebeforehos.com\/wordpress\/wp-content\/uploads\/2011\/11\/mormons-bowling.jpg 525w, https:\/\/www.prosebeforehos.com\/wordpress\/wp-content\/uploads\/2011\/11\/mormons-bowling-200x158.jpg 200w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 525px) 100vw, 525px\" \/><\/p>\n<p><center><strong>* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *<\/strong><\/center><\/p>\n<p>Provo, Utah on a Friday night smacks of Pleasantville 1960s America. It is best seen in black and white. Best listened to with the <em>Leave It To Beaver<\/em> or <em>Andy Griffith<\/em> theme song.<\/p>\n<p><center><iframe loading=\"lazy\" width=\"560\" height=\"420\" src=\"http:\/\/www.youtube.com\/embed\/Lli9ABUFZCU\" frameborder=\"0\" allowfullscreen><\/iframe><\/center><\/p>\n<p>Coat-and-tied eight year olds wave at you with eerie Children Of The Corn-type smiles. White button-downed BYU students march along in lock-step through The Mall\u2014again, there\u2019s only one\u2014before 9 PM closing time. They share peanuts and tales from their overseas Missions at 5 Guys. They are the sort of people who laugh a little too hard for a little too long at CBS sitcom promos on diner TVs.<\/p>\n<p>They don\u2019t swear. Mormons believe cursing harms your spirit and separates you from God. They mumble \u201cdang\u201d and \u201cfetch\u201d instead. At worst\u2014and usually in the context of BYU football\u2019s run defense\u2014they shout \u201cHoly fetch!\u201d The dogs are perpetually confused.<\/p>\n<p><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" src=\"http:\/\/www.prosebeforehos.com\/wordpress\/wp-content\/uploads\/2011\/11\/downtown-provo-photograph.jpg\" alt=\"\" title=\"downtown-provo-photograph\" width=\"450\" height=\"302\" class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-9430\" srcset=\"https:\/\/www.prosebeforehos.com\/wordpress\/wp-content\/uploads\/2011\/11\/downtown-provo-photograph.jpg 450w, https:\/\/www.prosebeforehos.com\/wordpress\/wp-content\/uploads\/2011\/11\/downtown-provo-photograph-200x134.jpg 200w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 450px) 100vw, 450px\" \/><\/p>\n<p>To them, I\u2019m the smug East Coaster personified. I\u2019m everything their mother warned them about and then some. I don\u2019t go to church Sundays. I go to the sports bar and drink beer. I don\u2019t read Scripture or the Book of Mormon. I browse The New York Times on my iPad. I download movies illegally. I crank the heat up to 78 degrees at all times. I replay SportsCenter constantly. Often at volumes louder than necessary.<\/p>\n<p>In short, I am going to hell. Or the Mormon conception of it: the Telestial Kingdom.<\/p>\n<p><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" src=\"http:\/\/www.prosebeforehos.com\/wordpress\/wp-content\/uploads\/2011\/11\/mormon-plan-salvation.png\" alt=\"\" title=\"mormon-plan-salvation\" width=\"700\" height=\"490\" class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-9431\" srcset=\"https:\/\/www.prosebeforehos.com\/wordpress\/wp-content\/uploads\/2011\/11\/mormon-plan-salvation.png 700w, https:\/\/www.prosebeforehos.com\/wordpress\/wp-content\/uploads\/2011\/11\/mormon-plan-salvation-200x140.png 200w, https:\/\/www.prosebeforehos.com\/wordpress\/wp-content\/uploads\/2011\/11\/mormon-plan-salvation-600x420.png 600w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 700px) 100vw, 700px\" \/><\/p>\n<p>The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints maintains there are three Kingdoms of Glory. The most devout souls are ferried to the Celestial Kingdom. Joseph Smith taught that these rarefied few receive their own star, a white rock engraved with their name and an endless after-life with God and Jesus. Candidates include the most pious of spirits and children who tragically pass away before the age of eight.<\/p>\n<p>The Terrestrial Kingdom awaits the not-quite-perfect followers. The silver medal of Mormon after-lives for those who lived nobly, paid their 10% tithe to the church, but \u201cwere blinded by the craftiness of men\u201d. Inhabitants are not granted a star and must wait in a spiritual holding cell of sorts until they are resurrected into the Celestial Kingdom.<\/p>\n<p>The Telestial Kingdom awaits sinners like me. It is the jail of after-life for \u201cliars, and sorcerers, and adulterers, and whoremongers, and whosoever loves and makes a lie.\u201d Because I did not accept the full gospel of Jesus, I will be incarcerated in Spirit prison for a sentence of no less than 1000 years. Whereupon I will be released and live out all eternity as a \u201cfilthy\u201d, immortal savage.<\/p>\n<p><center><strong>* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *<\/strong><\/center><\/p>\n<p>Utahans espouse their own pull-yourself-up-by-your-own-ski-boots ideology. They don\u2019t ask for much. They keep it simple: a 5% flat tax, a couple ski runs on Saturday, church and the Broncos game come Sunday.<\/p>\n<p>The right to bear arms is not a constitutional right. It\u2019s a Saturday afternoon work release. New Yorkers can guzzle Xanax and gush to $300-an-hour psychiatrists all they want. But give a Ute a shotgun, a rusted over fridge, and a field and you\u2019ll achieve the same effect for a fraction of the price.<\/p>\n<p><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" src=\"http:\/\/www.prosebeforehos.com\/wordpress\/wp-content\/uploads\/2011\/11\/hunting-in-utah.jpg\" alt=\"Hunting in Utah\" title=\"hunting-in-utah\" width=\"500\" height=\"347\" class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-9428\" srcset=\"https:\/\/www.prosebeforehos.com\/wordpress\/wp-content\/uploads\/2011\/11\/hunting-in-utah.jpg 500w, https:\/\/www.prosebeforehos.com\/wordpress\/wp-content\/uploads\/2011\/11\/hunting-in-utah-200x138.jpg 200w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 500px) 100vw, 500px\" \/><\/p>\n<p>Alas, all it takes is one. One Warren Jeffs. One unhinged man with a gun who ruins it for the rest of them. Who smears hard-nosed, salt-of-the-Earth folk into \u201cthose crazy Mormons\u201d. A fringe people who \u201ccling to guns and religion\u201d as President Obama infamously told a room of $500-a-plate San Francisco donors. And Utah will never forgive him for it.<\/p>\n<p>Utes don\u2019t do stats. If they did, they\u2019d point to a 7.4% state unemployment rate\u2014well lower than that of New York (8%) and California (11.9%). Or how the state routinely tops New York and the Northeast in happiness, life expectancy, and crime.<\/p>\n<p>But the Utes do not bother. They quit fighting that battle long ago. They\u2019ve reached a grudging acceptance: they\u2019re on their own. The coasts won\u2019t understand.<\/p>\n<p>Mostly, they\u2019re tired of it. Tired of being lumped with Wyoming, Nebraska, and the other Red States. Tired of being summarily dismissed by East and West Coast pundits as Fly Over Country.<\/p>\n<p>They are tired of an East Coast sports bias that routinely snubbed perfect Boise State for defeated but big-market SEC or Big 12 football teams. Tired of a political elite that discounts Mitt Romney because he\u2019s a Mormon. Tired of a satirical pop culture that desecrates their faith into a smash-hit Broadway play.<\/p>\n<p><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" src=\"http:\/\/www.prosebeforehos.com\/wordpress\/wp-content\/uploads\/2011\/11\/book-of-mormon-play.jpg\" alt=\"\" title=\"book-of-mormon-play\" width=\"550\" height=\"406\" class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-9427\" srcset=\"https:\/\/www.prosebeforehos.com\/wordpress\/wp-content\/uploads\/2011\/11\/book-of-mormon-play.jpg 550w, https:\/\/www.prosebeforehos.com\/wordpress\/wp-content\/uploads\/2011\/11\/book-of-mormon-play-200x147.jpg 200w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 550px) 100vw, 550px\" \/><\/p>\n<p>They settle into a prickly reserve when I tell them I moved from New York City. They go silent. Neither wanting to prove nor disprove whatever \u201ccrazy bunch of Mormons\u201d stereotypes they are sure I\u2019ve heard. Leery of East Coasters who muck up their ski resorts, riff on their wife-count, and otherwise ignore them.<\/p>\n<p><center><strong>* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *<\/strong><\/center><\/p>\n<p><em>These shots won\u2019t drink themselves<\/em>, I figured. <\/p>\n<p>So I gulped the six down on my own. Right then and there. I wasn\u2019t black-out, per se. But it was that time of the night. You know, when the whites whiten. The blacks blacken. The eyes shift from video mode to photo:<\/p>\n<p>Short, choppy snapshots of five blonde-haired, holiday sweatered and now horrified Mormons watching It\u2019s Always Sunny In Philadelphia\u2014the D.E.N.N.I.S. System episode\u2014in stunned silence.<\/p>\n<p>I was bleary-eyed, slurry-speeched, and loving every minute of it. And that\u2019s when the Mormons tried to convert me.<br \/>\n\u201cHave you read the Book of Mormon?\u201d the chubby, buck-toothed one asked me. Eyes glistening. Hopes buoyed that I could be saved. That after seven years in Sin City, he could bring me to the light.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cSooooooorry, I don\u2019t read fiction.\u201d I reportedly replied.<\/p>\n<p>Relations with the Flake brothers have been strained ever since.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>They thought I had a speech impediment. Or, at the very least, a mild learning disability. First night in the new condo. Why not invite the neighbors over?, I figured. Down a couple shots, pregame through an It\u2019s Always Sunny In Philadelphia episode, and see where the night took us. In New York City, this [&hellip;]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":549,"featured_media":9436,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[259],"tags":[],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO plugin v21.7 - https:\/\/yoast.com\/wordpress\/plugins\/seo\/ -->\n<title>The Mormon Diaries: Chapter 1 - The Neighbors - Prose Before Hos<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"They thought I had a speech impediment. Or, at the very least, a mild learning disability. First night in the new condo. 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