{"id":9757,"date":"2011-12-07T13:36:07","date_gmt":"2011-12-07T18:36:07","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.prosebeforehos.com\/?p=9757"},"modified":"2023-01-24T09:59:34","modified_gmt":"2023-01-24T14:59:34","slug":"the-mormon-diaries-chapter-3-mormon-night-football","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.prosebeforehos.com\/cultural-correspondent\/12\/07\/the-mormon-diaries-chapter-3-mormon-night-football\/","title":{"rendered":"The Mormon Diaries, Chapter 3: Mormon Night Football"},"content":{"rendered":"

I didn\u2019t mean to make the Mormons run away.<\/p>\n

I didn\u2019t mean to ruin their Family Home Evening night, either. But they were getting preachy, boring, and I had wine.<\/p>\n

Family Home Evening\u2014or FHE as the cool Mormons call it for short\u2014is their version of Happy Hour. Every Monday night while us non-believers watch Monday Night Football or laugh-tracked CBS sitcoms, they gather. They swarm bowling alleys, campgrounds, and Red Lobsters across the globe.<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/p>\n

The neighbors hyped FHE up all week: \u201cattractive\u201d girls, a free banquet dinner, \u201csurprise\u201d entertainment. I did not particularly want to go. But it was a Monday night. In Utah. And I wanted to be affable. Restore some goodwill after the weekend\u2019s Never Have I Ever debacle<\/a>.<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

I knew it wouldn\u2019t be like my business school Happy Hours. I knew it wouldn\u2019t be my old roommate\u2019s sort of \u201csurprise\u201d (read: all-you-can-eat buffet and lap-dance at a certain Manhattan strip club). I\u2019m not exactly sure what I expected at Family Home Evening, but this was not it:<\/p>\n

Twelve aww shucks, holiday-sweatered Mormons in a dingy one bedroom apartment. They shared Hawaiian punch and inside jokes about Sunday\u2019s service. Jacob saw the new Muppets movie over the weekend. It was OK<\/em>, he demurred. No Smurfs though<\/em>.<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/p>\n

Every Family Home Evening group has two organizers. A girl and a boy dubbed the Mom and Dad. It is their \u201ccalling\u201d to keep the family together and share Scripture.<\/p>\n

The Dad of this ill-begotten family was Adam. Adam was a pudgy, gap-toothed 29-year-old who works at a video game store. The Mom was a pale and pasty girl in frumpy clothes your grandmother would veto. I don\u2019t remember her name.<\/p>\n

Adam asked the group to pipe down. He read an opening prayer from Scripture. I\u2019m told it was a lovely passage. I wouldn\u2019t know. I excused myself to the town\u2019s lone liquor store and returned with a bottle of wine.<\/p>\n

However, should you be looking to find a quality wine cabinet to store your extensive wine selection, or are looking to simply get your favorite wine bottles to the perfect temperature, why not start by choosing the right Climadiff wine cabinet<\/a> here!<\/p>\n

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * <\/strong><\/center><\/p>\n

Warning:<\/strong> Family Home Evening results may vary.<\/p>\n

Yes, dinner was free. Although of dubious spirituality (P.F. Chang\u2019s). There were three girls. None of them \u201cattractive\u201d.<\/p>\n

\u201cAnd for tonight\u2019s mystery entertainment\u2026\u201d Adam paused for dramatic effect. Someone started a drum roll on the kitchen counter. Devin crossed his fingers. He narrowly lost out in the scavenger hunt last month. He wanted another shot.<\/p>\n

\u201cMonopoly!!!\u201d<\/p>\n

The group cheered. \u201cI call the top-hat piece,\u201d one of them chimed in.<\/p>\n

I did not pass Go. I did not collect $200. I cursed loudly, helped myself to the P.F. Chang\u2019s, and turned on one of the Pirates of the Caribbean\u2019s.<\/p>\n

I went back for seconds. Everything was gone. The Mormons. The Monopoly board. Even the Sweet & Sour chicken. Only the half-drunk bottle of wine remained. Oh.<\/p>\n

Someone knocked on the door. I splashed the rest of the wine in my cup.<\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019s open.\u201d<\/p>\n

It was Russell. Of course it was Russell. Russell lived down the hall. He worked the night shift at Smith\u2019s groceries. His hobbies included four-hour naps, Captain Crunch Berry cereal, and saying \u201cman\u201d… a lot<\/em>. Yet mysteriously, he did not smoke weed. I\u2019ve imagined Russell lives life like a 1930s Charlie Chaplin movie. Everything is in black and white. Everything breaks. Nothing runs on time.<\/p>\n

\u201cHey man. Sorry I\u2019m late \u2026 Where is everyone?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYeah, I dunno.\u201d I said truthfully. \u201cThe Monday night game\u2019s about to come on though.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cOh, sweet man! I brought Captain Crunch.\u201d<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

\"Danica<\/p>\n

It was serene first quarter. Poetic, almost. Cynical East Coast atheist and na\u00efve Utah Mormon united out of schadenfreude for the Jacksonville Jaguars. I told Russell to look away when that Danica Patrick GoDaddy.com commercial came on. He shared Captain Crunch and erudite insights on the NFL:<\/p>\n

E.G. [On the Atlanta Falcons playing the Houston Texans]: \u201cIsn\u2019t it cool that two primary colors\u2014red and blue\u2014are playing each other?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201c\u2026 Why?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI dunno, man.\u201d<\/p>\n

Russell also didn\u2019t know it was wine I had been drinking the whole time. He simply thought I loved Hawaiian punch and everything Jon Gruden. The Hangover Part 2 on Blue Ray DVD commercial blared.<\/p>\n

\u201cI can download it if you want.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThanks, man\u201d Russell started. \u201cBut I\u2019d rather wait for it to come on cable. That way it\u2019ll be edited.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAre you\u2014\u201d I pacified myself with another long swig of what appeared to be Hawaiian punch.<\/p>\n

It was a heinous game. A blowout by the third quarter. Chock-alk full of Jaguar missed tackles and busted coverages. Gruden and Turico are already grasping for garbage time filler. So are we.<\/p>\n

I have eleven minutes of conversation material in me on a good<\/em> night. Three minutes if it\u2019s not about sports. This is not a good night:<\/p>\n

\u201cSo… Who is, like, the biggest Mormon celebrity? Besides Mitt Romney.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHmmm\u2026 Glenn Beck.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cEhhhh,\u201d I slur. \u201cI wouldn\u2019t go around telling people that.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWell, David Archuleta. You know, from American Idol.\u201d<\/p>\n

\"David<\/p>\n

\u201cNah.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cChristina Aguilera\u2019s parents are Mormon\u2026 She\u2019s not though.\u201d<\/p>\n

Russell thinks for a minute. Ryan Matthews gashes the Jags\u2019 linebackers for another big gain.<\/p>\n

\u201cKirby Heyborne. But he kinda lost it.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWho?\u201d<\/p>\n

Kirby Heyborne was the Mormon Golden Boy. The angelic, blonde locked model splashed across every Missionary billboard alongside highway I-15. The squeaky clean star of such Mormon comedies as RM and The Best Two Years. (Admittedly, it\u2019s a weak league.) But then he went to the Dark Side: He starred in a Miller Lite commercial.<\/p>\n