{"id":9757,"date":"2011-12-07T13:36:07","date_gmt":"2011-12-07T18:36:07","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.prosebeforehos.com\/?p=9757"},"modified":"2023-01-24T09:59:34","modified_gmt":"2023-01-24T14:59:34","slug":"the-mormon-diaries-chapter-3-mormon-night-football","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.prosebeforehos.com\/cultural-correspondent\/12\/07\/the-mormon-diaries-chapter-3-mormon-night-football\/","title":{"rendered":"The Mormon Diaries, Chapter 3: Mormon Night Football"},"content":{"rendered":"
I didn\u2019t mean to make the Mormons run away.<\/p>\n
I didn\u2019t mean to ruin their Family Home Evening night, either. But they were getting preachy, boring, and I had wine.<\/p>\n
Family Home Evening\u2014or FHE as the cool Mormons call it for short\u2014is their version of Happy Hour. Every Monday night while us non-believers watch Monday Night Football or laugh-tracked CBS sitcoms, they gather. They swarm bowling alleys, campgrounds, and Red Lobsters across the globe.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
The neighbors hyped FHE up all week: \u201cattractive\u201d girls, a free banquet dinner, \u201csurprise\u201d entertainment. I did not particularly want to go. But it was a Monday night. In Utah. And I wanted to be affable. Restore some goodwill after the weekend\u2019s Never Have I Ever debacle<\/a>.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n I knew it wouldn\u2019t be like my business school Happy Hours. I knew it wouldn\u2019t be my old roommate\u2019s sort of \u201csurprise\u201d (read: all-you-can-eat buffet and lap-dance at a certain Manhattan strip club). I\u2019m not exactly sure what I expected at Family Home Evening, but this was not it:<\/p>\n Twelve aww shucks, holiday-sweatered Mormons in a dingy one bedroom apartment. They shared Hawaiian punch and inside jokes about Sunday\u2019s service. Jacob saw the new Muppets movie over the weekend. It was OK<\/em>, he demurred. No Smurfs though<\/em>.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Every Family Home Evening group has two organizers. A girl and a boy dubbed the Mom and Dad. It is their \u201ccalling\u201d to keep the family together and share Scripture.<\/p>\n The Dad of this ill-begotten family was Adam. Adam was a pudgy, gap-toothed 29-year-old who works at a video game store. The Mom was a pale and pasty girl in frumpy clothes your grandmother would veto. I don\u2019t remember her name.<\/p>\n Adam asked the group to pipe down. He read an opening prayer from Scripture. I\u2019m told it was a lovely passage. I wouldn\u2019t know. I excused myself to the town\u2019s lone liquor store and returned with a bottle of wine.<\/p>\n