An All To Candid Love Letter to Jessica Valenti

Dear Jessica,

This has been a long time coming. I saw you on the Colbert show and thought it is finally time to act. I’ve actually been a fan for a long time — I admire your work and despite smear campaigns that would say otherwise, we love women. I am going to pick up your book after I finish reading the latest free-market critique, because I know you too have chosen prose before hos. I know this may seem a bit transparent and opportunist, but this is not a flaccid effort: I need you. Big time.

Irrelevant factoids about me that you should consider while deciding how many of my offspring you want to carry:

– I am white, middle-upper class male, and full of guilt for all of the previously named attributes. I’m sure I’ve done plenty things off-handedly that have reinforced the pervasive socio-economic, racist, patriarchal institutions that continue to make things so rotten. I’m plenty sorry and I occasionally throw handfuls of coinage towards homeless and colored people before I go off screaming in the other direction. But this is great for you, because you can take advantage of me to no ends! I bet you have all sorts of dark hair clogging your drains, which I am happy to clean. I’ll even clean your toilet with my toothbrush and hell, I’ll even use it afterwards, because I’m a closet freak.

– I’ve read many comments on your site and others referring to the fact that girls have to get ‘dolled up’ and wear clothes of questionable comfort. To that, I’d say I’d agree mildly, but have you ever tried to wear a full men’s suit in the summer, especially in somewhere humid like Washington DC? Because if you do, your cooch will be literally riddled with sweat. It’s terrible. This is why I want to be the first guy to wear a business skirt to work, and if I ever get the chance, to Capitol Hill. I’m also not going to wear underwear, because I imagine that the majority of the comfort derived from skirts is the fact that air is constantly going up ‘there’. Also, how do you move laterally with a skirt?

– A full-blown erection is a part of my gym get-up. Lots of things are negotiable in my life; this is not one of them. I’m sorry, but nothing feels better than getting spotted at the gym when you’re sporting major wood. Plus, you meet lots of new people this way.

So how about it Jessica? I’ve laid it all out on the line for you.

Love and curtsies,
Alec

PS. If you ever do a piece on how even impartial fame brings out the crazies, can you make me the centerpiece??