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A Modest Proposal: Let’s Kill All the Koreans and Sell Them As Pet Food to the Chinese

Now I know what everyone is thinking: Great, there’s 32 dead American’s at Virginia Tech now because of some crazy Korean guy, but now, who do I blame it on and where do I transfer all of my lovely hate into something completely negative? Of course there is the usual suspects with the corresponding solutions: Godlessness cured with Bibles under everyone’s asses, foreigners who smell and look funny solved by mass deportations, hippity-hoppity and black culture in general solved by long trousers and correct grammar, violent video games and TV shows smothered with chastity belts and friendly games of UNO, guns and the monkeys who shoot and sell them, and of course Muslims, always the Muslims with their damn Moo-ham-eed and their damn praying. The summation is pretty simple: in a world of instant punditry, not much long term thought goes into proposed policy change when it hinges on knee jerk reactions. And this is where I step in, link-free and full of the most intelligent thinking 48 hours of hindsight can provide:

Let’s kill Koreans, bathe in their blood, and sell them to the Chinese as dog food.

Now, I know your immediate reaction will be all stifled by politically ‘correct’ thinking. ‘Oh that’s so insensitive, you know all they eat is dog meat and Pokemon soup’ — well you’re wrong, they also eat lots of cabbage and I’m guessing calculators. But think about this in the long term: what if there is another Korean anomaly (the first sign should have been that he wasn’t studying computer science or math) who decides he wants to write crazy plays and then act out his crazy plays by shooting beautiful white children in the face? Do you want to have that blood on your hand, because you, dear reader, were held back by a bunch of outdated liberal ideas of ‘integration’, ‘assimilation’, and ‘freedom from being killed and served to the Chinese as dog food’? No, you don’t want that blood on your hand, because American blood is like holy water and it will sting the nostrils and heart from the stench of spilled freedom. And Jesus WILL make your next child a homosexual if you disobey him and I will not allow him or his domestic partner equal access to health care because I’m uncomfortable with the idea of a penis in a butthole!

Onto the logistics. First you may wonder, how will we deal with all the 2 million Koreans in the United States who provide us valuable services such as laundry mats, convenience stores, laundry mats with adjacent/adjoining convenience stores, and Chinese restaurants. As Michelle Malkin would think, we would have to round them up first. What we could offer is a national Pokemon and Dance Dance Revolution competition, at which point we would subdue all 2 million with free Nintendo DS’es and abacuses.

Then it’s off to the meat factory! But why would we sell Koreans as pet food to the Chinese? Well, its simple really: the Chinese screwed us with their polluted and poisoned pet food, killing off millions of dependents for untold millions of American spinsters and freaks, so we’re going to pay them back the only way we know how. With pet food made of dead Koreans.

Of course, there’s a lot of holes in this idea, and I welcome you, WELL-INFORMED AMERICAN JOE PUBLIC, to help me fill in the gaps. And by the way, thanks to all like me who’ve kept a cool head through all of this, because nothing says rational like comparing your tragedy to 9/11.

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To London, and Beyond!

Dear Faithful Followers, Readers, et. al.:

I will be on a BLOG hiatus to attend to several pressing matters in the heart of all that is sterile, Anglo-Saxon, and androgynous: London. I will of course be busy with the higher arts of civil society, namely chanting loudly for Allah to poke Jesus/America in the eye and making numerous grammatical errors in my speech that will cause all English people within earshot to deplore me from afar.

But, I will be a ‘reporter’ in the field, since bloggers (that’s me and 4 trillion other assholes) are now officially media-journalist types. A fine expose on silly chicklet teeth or on why Indian people smell so bad (as always) can be anticipated (and highly — since I know someone reads this blog).

In the meantime, enjoy our fine archives of over 800 posts or my thought provoking writing at Ablogistan, Publius Pundit, Sexy and Disgraceful, A Betting Man, and other sundry crap that I spew on the internet. Also, add me on Facebook:

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And, think of this before you go to bed or make love to your blow up doll:

Noah's got beautiful teef

Sincerely yours,
Alexander P. Dupont

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Happy April Grools Day

From all of us that hate you at PBH.

Always yours,
The Administration

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Portrait of a young man as a blogger

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dear government

tell me this is a big joke on us.

sincerely yours,
current non-attentive citizens

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