Riding Shotgun With Jesus

The Article: Xtreme Religion by Ian Murphy in Buffalo Beast.

The Text: Since the dawn of man, deep, resonating questions have plagued his mind: What is the meaning of life? Is there a higher power? What is manā€™s place in the universe? Is there an afterlife? Who let the dogs out? Who? Who? Who?

Modern man, for all his Tony Robbins Personal PowerTM seminars, books, tapes and various twelve step programs, appears no closer to understanding these cosmic riddles than an Egyptian goatherd, circa 2000 BC, who believed the sky was a cow goddess, eating the sun every dusk, and giving birth to it every dawn. The point being: far too many people still believe in equally crazy shit.

Some will tell you religion (rough etymology ā€“ re linking) no longer links us back to anything; no unmoved mover, no creator, no creamy nougat center. It does however, link us to our own biological past, our primitive hardwiring, our kill-or-be-killed instincts, our clan versus clan animus. A good portion of the world population and this country are running on out-of-date mythological software. Linux, Windows 1400XP, Wahabbism, Santa Claus: ideas too are comprised of atoms. And so are bombs. Both are dangerous, especially when split.

It has always been about resources: fertile land, water, salt, gold, cotton, petroleum, stuffed crust pizza. ā€œWe deserve it and they donā€™t.ā€ Aircraft carriers have replaced frigates, and entire civilizations localized clans, yet people shy away from saying ā€œclash of civilizations.ā€ Seems too dire, a position for zealots even, but true nonetheless. Mind you Iā€™m not strictly speaking East v. West, but also rational v. irrational. Fanatical rationalists en garde!

The ideas of chosen people and jealous gods have justified atrocities and plundering from the ancient Aztecs straight through to the similarly antiquated mindset of the American religious right. The Crusades, the Spanish Inquisition, Slavery, the Holocaustā€”all the classics. Religion has been there every bloody step of the way, linking us back to the murderous savages we are. We only think we are more civilized because we partake in ritualized, rather than actual, cannibalism. Ask a devout Catholic about the tasteless wafer they consume weekly (made in a poorly lit Mexican factory) and they will tell you they are eating god. Same dance, different tune. Deep-seated, biologically rooted memes are a hard habit to break. Ape crack.

Folk on the moderate left like to remind us from time to timeā€”like when fundamentalists wig out, commit arson and act like all around genocidal assholesā€”that these perpetrators are extremists, perverts of an otherwise moderate dogma. ā€œThese people are wackos, they donā€™t represent our faith,ā€ apologists apologize. Bullshit.

The true believers are the ones willing to smash planes into buildings, hack people to pieces and bomb OBGYNs based on morality gleaned from sacred texts. Godā€™s children, doinā€™ the best they know how.

These are real religious people, the ones who will get all the virgins and ride shotgun in Jesusā€™ sweet rapture mobile. What could be better than an eternity of tight pussy or snagginā€™ a ride in the Son of Manā€™s tricked-out, flying Prius?

The truly faithful, the freaks, the believers are in it for the payout. All the others are Christian, Muslim and Jew in name only, they are the perversion; they are the ones who donā€™t understand their own faith. Probably people like your aunt, who calls herself a Christian, but gets squeamish over killing fags. You should either follow the bible to the letter or not. No more of this poetic license crap: burn down an embassy, or get off the pot. Take it or leave it. Thatā€™s why I liked the Taliban so. Religion is fucking crazy and those dudes were the craziest cats around.

The divinely guided, who will kill you, or at least wish you dead, because you belong to a different book club ā€“ this is what religion is.

People became hysterical over the James Frey deceit: Can you imagine what would happen if Oprah took on the Bible or the Koran? Surely the apocalypse (rough etymology ā€“ enlightenment) would be nigh. But donā€™t let your preacher or mullah know that little tidbit, because it smacks of book learninā€™ ā€“ and not the good book either. Eating from the tree of knowledge has its consequence: Expulsion from ignorance.

What we need now are anti-preachers, anti-faith based initiatives, anti-Mohammeds and antichrists. We can no longer stand idly by, watching the retarded children pummel each other with stones and missiles. It is time for an apocalypse. Religion is a vile meme, its protracted end being dominion over the ā€œotherā€: man over woman, tribe over tribe, ā€œour god can beat up your god.ā€ It will be hard to quash in the face of baseless afterlife promises and punishments, that some hold so dear. Maybe we could give the believers raisins, cookies and a universal healthcare system as substitute. Or maybe, just maybe – we should give them all a free one-way ticket to the heaven of their choice. Hey ā€“ itā€™s an idea!

Itā€™s time to turn ā€œGodlessā€ from an epithet to a compliment. Every day, decent, reasonable secular folk withstand a barrage of damnation from less intelligent people. But for some reason, we are expected to humor them and their simpering expectations of deference. Fuck that. Religion is a mental disorder, obscuring reality and clouding thought, and we are the cure. Now is no time to back down.

This issue of The BEASTā€”especially this issueā€”is not for the religious, unless theyā€™re ready to admit theyā€™re taking part in an enormous charade, or at least ready to laugh about it.

The Analysis: im jihading your head

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New York police report warns of mounting homegrown terrorist threat

The Article.

The Text:

NEW YORK: People in the U.S. who quietly band together and adopt radical ways ā€” not just established overseas terrorist groups like al-Qaida ā€” pose a serious threat to the American’s security, a new police analysis has concluded.

The New York Police Department report released Wednesday describes a process in which young men ā€” often legal immigrants from the Middle East who are frustrated with their lives in their adopted country ā€” adopt a philosophy that puts them on the path to violence and attacking civilians that Muslim extremists say is acceptable under jihad, or holy war.

At a briefing, NYPD officials argued that local law enforcement is best suited to deal with the homegrown terror threat.

“Hopefully, the better we’re informed about this process, the more likely we’ll be to detect and disrupt it,” Police Commissioner Raymond Kelly said during the meeting with private security executives at police headquarters.

The study is based on an analysis of a series of domestic plots thwarted since the Sept. 11, 2001, terrorist attacks, including those in Lackawanna; Portland, Oregon; and Virginia. It was prepared by senior analysts with the NYPD Intelligence Division who traveled to Hamburg, Madrid and other overseas spots to confer with authorities about similar cases.

Instead of mosques, those places were more likely to be “cafes, cab driver hangouts, flop houses, prisons, student associations, non-governmental organizations, hookah bars, butcher shops and bookstores,” the report says.

The Internet also provides “the wandering mind of the conflicted young Muslim or potential convert with direct access to unfiltered radical and extremist ideology.”

Kareem Shora, legal adviser for the American-Arab Anti-Discrimination Committee, called the findings faulty and potentially inflammatory.

“It plays right into the extremists’ plans because it’s going to end up angering the community,” said Shora.

The report warns that potential terrorists are difficult for law enforcement to detect because they blend in well with society. It also argues that more intelligence gathering is needed to thwart potential terror plots at their earliest stages.

Potential homegrown terrorists “are not on the law enforcement radar,” the study says. “Most have never been arrested or involved in any kind of legal trouble.”

They “look, act, talk and walk like everyone around them,” the study adds. “In the early stages of their radicalization, these individuals rarely travel, are not participating in any kind of militant activity, yet they are slowly building the mind-set, intention and commitment to conduct jihad.”

The Lowdown: Back in my day this was called gang activity. Minority kids angry because they’re not fitting in and feel screwed? This isn’t terroism, it’s being 17. Praise Jesus we keep all them heathen religions out of our country. The last line is particularly disturbing…They look like us. They act like us, but secretly…deep down, they’re thinking about one day sometime…possibly, thinking radical thoughts to maybe consider Jihad.

Call the Thought Police please, and I’d like another scoop of fear mongering while I wait…

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Top 25 Simpsons Scenes, Quotes, and Otherwise Hilarious Moments

After watching the Simpsons for 15 years and having recently seen the movie, I thought I’d share my favorite 25 Simpsons scenes, quotes, and other miscellany sequences from the history of the show. The majority of the quotes from seasons 5-10, but feel free to add your own (and perhaps I’ll expand it to 50 if a lot more get added).

Bill Cosby Knows the Hip Hop1. Bill Cosby explains ‘the rap music’ and kids, all while including all his favorite corporate sponsors:

Cosby: Hey, kids! Meet Grampa Murphy.
Child: We have three grampas already!
Cosby: This one’s a great jazz musician.
Child: Oh, they all_ are.
Cosby: Oh, oh: you see, the kids, they listen to the rap music which gives them the brain damage. With their hippin’, and the hoppin’, and the bippin’, and the boppin’, so they don’t know what the jazz…is all about! You see, jazz is like the Jello Pudding Pop — no, actually, it’s more like Kodak film — no, actually, jazz is like the New Coke: it’ll be around forever, heh heh heh.

2. Homer Learns About Taking His Side to the Press

Homer: Somebody had to take the babysitter home. Then I noticed she was sitting on [cut] her sweet [cut] can. [cut] — o I grab her — [cut] sweet can. [cut] Oh, just thinking about [cut] her [splice] can [cut] I just wish I had he — [cut] sweet [cut] sweet [cut] s-s-sweet [cut] can.
Jones: So, Mr. Simpson: you admit you grabbed her can. What do you have to say in your defense?
Homer: [looking lustful in a clearly-paused VCR shot]
Jones: Mr. Simpson, your silence will only incriminate you further. [paused shot of Homer grows larger] No, Mr. Simpson, don’t take your anger out on me. Get back! Get back! Mist — Mr. Simpson — nooo!
Over-Voice: Dramatization — may not have happened.

3. Kang speaks volumes on American politics

Announcer: Ladies and Gentlemen, 73-year-old candidate, Bob Dole.
Kang: Abortions for all.
[crowd boos]
Very well, no abortions for anyone.
[crowd boos]
Hmm… Abortions for some, miniature American flags for others.
[crowd cheers and waves miniature flags]

4. Gas, the world’s only unlimited resource.

Canyonero!
Well, it goes real slow with the hammer down, Itā€™s the country-fried truck endorsed by a clown!
The Federal Highway commission has ruled the Canyonero unsafe for highway or city driving.
12 yards long, 2 lanes wide, 65 tons of American Pride!
Top of the line in utility sports, unexplained fires are a matter for the courts!
She blinds everybody with her super high beams, Sheā€™s a squirrel crushing, deer smacking, driving machine!

5. Homer doesn’t want to deal with Grimey (heya Strech)to professionalism

Marge: Homer, why aren’t you at work?
Homer: The car won’t start. I don’t feel very good today. I am at work.
Marge: You’re afraid to go to work because Frank Grimes will be there, aren’t you?
Homer: That’s crazy talk. You’re crazy, Marge. Get off the road!
[honks horn]
Marge: You have to face him sometime, and when you do I’m sure he’ll be just as anxious to make up as you are.
Homer: No he won’t, he hates me.
Marge: He doesn’t hate you. He just feels insecure because you’re getting through life so easily, and it’s been so difficult for him.
Homer: Yeah, yeah, that’s his problem, he’s a nut! It’s not about me being lazy, it’s about him being a crazy nut.
Marge: Well … maybe. But I bet he would be less crazy if you were just a little more, mmm, professional in your work.
Homer: [gasps]
Marge: Just a little more. Then he won’t have any reason to resent you.
Homer: I’ll do it! [produces a bottle of Duff] To professionalism!

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The Essence of Occupation

The Article: In Divided Hebron, a Shared Despair by Scott Wilson in the July 26 edition of the Washington Post.

The Text: The barrier Israel is constructing in the largely rural West Bank is effectively separating Arab from Jew along much of its 456-mile length. But the broader project of disentangling the two peoples in the absence of a peace agreement is failing in urban areas such as Hebron, where the most radical elements of Islamic and Jewish nationalism are gaining strength.

Within Hebron, the separation is enforced not only by Israeli barriers but also by military checkpoints and curfews intended to protect the roughly 700 Jewish settlers living within the city’s most historic and religiously important areas. Securing the small Jewish minority has a potent impact on the lives of the city’s 150,000 Arabs, who voted last year to fill all nine of the district’s parliamentary seats with candidates from the armed Islamic movement Hamas.

This city, set among prolific vineyards, was among the first destinations for Jewish settlers following the 1967 Middle East war, when the Israeli military occupied the West Bank. Fired by a four-millennia-old religious claim to Hebron, the settler enterprise here is among the most ideologically determined in the territories. Its expansionist goals clash with Palestinian secular and Islamic armed movements, whose own nationalist passions helped turn Hebron into one of the most violent venues of the Palestinian uprisings.

In recent months, the Israeli army has helped the Hebron settlers expand eastward to a hilltop home near the settlement of Kiryat Arba, a large step in their plan to connect the two areas. An international observer mission here, established after 1996 accords that left part of the city under Israeli military control and placed the other under the Palestinian Authority, reports sharply rising violence between Israeli settlers and Palestinians.

“There is no future for Arabs and Jews together in Hebron,” said Noam Federman, 37, a settler from Beit Hadassah in the Israeli-controlled city center here. “And Hebron has always been a Jewish city.”

Jamal Maraga’s Palestinian fabrics shop sits along an alley in Hebron’s casbah, lit by shafts of sunlight that filter through bricks, bottles and trash suspended in fencing laced over the walkway. The Jewish settlement of Avraham Avinu is housed in a multistory building that towers overhead.

International observers here say the settlers regularly toss debris and dirty water into the Arab market below, now largely shuttered in a city where unemployment stands at 60 percent. Asked whether Arabs and Jews can share Hebron, Maraga, his hair and beard a gray fuzz, looked up at the chain-link canopy.

“Impossible,” he said.
Proximity and Violence

Just before noon on a recent day, Azmi Shuyukhi, the graying leader of the Palestinian Popular Committees, a civil-resistance organization, approached an Israeli military checkpoint. Behind him trailed a small group of men and boys, who at Shuyukhi’s instruction were attempting to defy the enforced division of their city that has virtually emptied its most important historic, religious and commercial areas of Palestinians.

The post bars Palestinians from entering Shuhada Street, a once-thriving commercial strip closed by the Israeli military more than a decade ago to protect the two Jewish settlements and a yeshiva along its route. The U.S. Agency for International Development spent $2 million in 1997 to renovate the street as part of an Israeli-Palestinian agreement to reopen it for Palestinians. But Israel has since refused to do so.

The order to close the road was one of several that began the separation process here in 1994 after an Israeli from Kiryat Arba, Baruch Goldstein, killed 29 Palestinians praying in the Ibrahimi Mosque just past the end of Shuhada Street. The site is sacred to Muslims and Jews, who believe Abraham, Isaac and other biblical figures are buried in grottos beneath it.

According to the Temporary International Presence in Hebron, the unarmed observer mission, there are 100 Israeli-constructed fences, gates, concrete barriers and military checkpoints within the roughly one-square-mile historic center. The area included the Jewish Quarter until 1929, when Arabs killed more than 60 Jews living there. The survivors fled.

Hemmed in and harassed, the Palestinians are fleeing today. Nearly half the homes in and around the Israeli-controlled Old City of Hebron have been vacated, the Israeli human rights group B’Tselem recently reported. The group also said that more than three-quarters of the Palestinian shops and restaurants in the casbah and adjacent commercial districts have been shuttered, many by military order.

Shuyukhi’s band had failed to make it past the checkpoint for 15 consecutive weeks. But this day, the soldiers waved them into the Israeli-controlled area. After several moments of bewilderment, Shuyukhi started down the empty street — shops closed, no cars, men and boys with Palestinian flags following behind.

As they approached Beit Hadassah, a Jewish settlement of about 30 families, army jeeps roared up. Soldiers in helmets and body armor, joined by a few Israeli police officers, ordered Shuyukhi’s group to lower the Palestinian national flag they carried and turn back.

“We will not take it down,” Shuyukhi shouted. “The Ibrahimi Mosque is ours, not theirs.”

Suddenly, an older settler rushed from the entrance of Beit Hadassah, clutching a walkie-talkie in one hand.

“Grab the flag, grab the flag,” he shouted in American-accented Hebrew.

A policeman blocked him. But the man spun from his grip and, like a determined running back, plowed toward the Palestinians.

“Go take care of the Arabs, the criminals,” he shouted at the police, who led him struggling away.

Mats Lignell, a former Swedish soldier with the observer mission in Hebron, watched the scene before heading to a raised path across Shuhada Street, which his mission financed so Palestinian students could reach their Cordoba School without passing near Beit Hadassah.

The 50-yard walkway took months to complete because each night the bricks were uprooted. It opened this year.

During the three-month period ending Jan. 31, the observer group received 35 complaints of settler violence and harassment, ranging from beatings to throwing debris. Over the next three months, 71 cases were reported.

“The pattern you see is that you have settlement and then violence around it,” Lignell said. “And you see this project inching forward.”
A Chain of Settlements

On a recent morning, a dozen toddlers zipped around Avraham Avinu’s shady courtyard, where in 2001 a Palestinian sniper’s bullet killed 10-month-old Shalhevet Pas. A nearby market, once the main Palestinian clearinghouse for vegetables, has been named for her by the settlers who control it.

The Jewish settlement is separated — by a wall, razor wire and a worldview — from Hebron’s casbah and its Palestinian patrons, who have watched anxiously as the settlement project recently swelled beyond the city center under the protection of Israel’s military, whose strategic goals frequently coincide with the settlers’.

“The town is divided, it is deserted, and in many ways like a prison for us,” said Khaled Osaily, Hebron’s appointed mayor from the secular Fatah movement. Most of the more than 1,800 closed Palestinian businesses in the Old City area shut down since the second Palestinian uprising began in the fall of 2000.

David Wilder, originally from New Jersey, is the spokesman for the Hebron settlers. He largely dismissed public relations until Goldstein opened fire. The government of Yitzhak Rabin considered evacuating the settlers but instead imposed the military curfews and closures on the Palestinians.

Wilder, who like many settlers here wears a pistol on his hip, does not agree with what he calls the Israeli military’s “concept of using walls as a means of security, of building barriers and saying, ‘Now you are safe.’

“The problem here is not so much that people can’t make a living; it’s a political one,” Wilder said. “The Arabs want a presence here. If they have it, they own it, de facto. And if not, they don’t.”

On a hilltop less than a mile’s trip along streets secured by Israeli soldiers sits a four-story house, which a group of settlers occupied the evening of March 19. Lignell and his observer team arrived less than an hour later. By then, dozens of soldiers had surrounded the home to protect its new residents.

Kiryat Arba, a settlement of about 7,000 people, sits just across a narrow valley. Wilder, 53, said the property represents a key link in the chain the settlers are trying to establish between the urban settlements of Hebron and Kiryat Arba. His daughter’s family is one of 15 moving into the house.

Wilder said the settlers bought the home for $700,000, some of it donated by American supporters. But Israel’s Civil Administration, the military government in the occupied territories, contends that the settlers did not arrange for the permits Israelis need to buy and move into property in the West Bank.

“These people think they can do what they want and then we will have to adopt their decision,” said Shlomo Dror, spokesman for Israel’s Coordinator of Activities in the Territories. “This is not the case.”

As a military court considers their appeal, the settlers are renovating the building. New plaster walls partition off a series of family apartments, their doors still sawed-out holes covered by hanging blankets. Soldiers wander the airy halls.

The house overlooks the main roads leading from Kiryat Arba to the downtown settlements and the Tomb of the Patriarchs, the caves beneath the Ibrahimi Mosque. The army used to set up a temporary post at the house on the Jewish Sabbath. Now, having set up a more permanent rooftop position, the army supports the settlers’ right to stay.

“This building will show us whether there is a right for a Jew to buy a house in Hebron,” said Baruch Marzel, a Hebron settler who has established a 70-student yeshiva in the home. “Or will Hebron be the only place in the world a Jew is not allowed to do so?”
‘After All That . . .’

Mohammed al-Jabari looks out from his home, across a courtyard of grapevines and olive trees, to the army post on the roof of the settlers’ new acquisition. On this day, he is waiting for a funeral, vivid evidence that separating Jews and Arabs here does not guarantee security for either.

“We don’t know the people who come and go from there,” said Jabari, 22, a bespectacled middle school chemistry teacher. “We try to stay inside now as much as possible.”

A few hours later, in the adjacent cemetery, dozens of men gathered beneath cypresses and pines to escape the sun. Yehiya al-Jabari, a 67-year-old shepherd from Hebron and a distant relative of the teacher’s, would soon be buried.

About 1 a.m. that day, Israeli soldiers had entered Yehiya al-Jabari’s home looking for his 18-year-old son, Saleh. Seeing the soldiers come in, the men and women of the family accosted them. One tried to snatch a soldier’s gun, Israeli military officials said, and the officer opened fire.

One shot struck Jabari’s wife, Fatmeh, in the neck. The next hit Yehiya, who also dropped to the floor. An Israeli medic administered CPR to Fatmeh, reviving her, but Yehiya died in his living room.

“After all that, they said, ‘Where’s Saleh?’ ” recalled Sami al-Jabari, Yehiya’s brother, who witnessed the scene.

Men and boys bore Yehiya’s wooden stretcher up the hill, pausing to allow mourners to kiss his face. Some held Hamas flags, and the angry chants celebrating martyrdom carried down to the soldiers at the settlers’ new home. Then, after tipping the body into the dry ground, the men wandered back down the hill into the divided city.

The Analysis: Hebron is the best example of the injustice of the Israeli occupation: 700 Israeli settlers have essentially held the lives of 125,000 Palestinians hostage. For more, I suggest The Hebron Tactic by Amira Haas in Israeli newspaper Haaretz.

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