Kim Jong-Un: The GOP’s Savior In Disguise?

GOP National Party Chairman Reince Prebius revealed Thursday (March 1) that, yes, he had received a videotape from Pyongyang, North Korea in which newly appointed strongman Kim Jong-un offers himself as the GOP nominee for President in 2012.

“It wasn’t really so much of an offer as it was a demand,” Preibus said. “And he isn’t just offering to be our nominee. He’s insisting on being made president.”

The 7-minute 32-second video shows the son of recently deceased North Korean dictator Kim Jong-il offering his services to lead America. The text accompanying the video, which is now available on YouTube, reads as follows:

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This Isn’t What I Asked For!

You may have thought you wanted an economist, but you really wanted a Christian conservative-led DC in your bedroom.

Barack Obama On Abortion

As abortion has become a hot topic yet again, our President gives his thoughts on the procedure and a woman’s right to one.

An Op-Ed From Satan Regarding The GOP

OP-ED CONTRIBUTOR: Not Even a Single Mention of My Infernal Glory? What Gives? By Satan

All the buildup and excitement was for naught. The broadband cable I had installed throughout the dark reaches of Hell so my minions and the damned could watch… for nothing. I thought I’d be the man of the hour, the name on everybody’s lips. The only guy that everyone hoped CNN Debate Moderator John King would ask about.

But did he ever mention my name?

Not once!

You have to go back to the early 19th Century to see my name being used as a weapon against another candidate as frequently as it is today. If my name were a registered trademark, Rick Santorum would owe me big time! I don’t mind being interjected into politics, per se. I get sort of a vicarious thrill out of it. But when Rick Santorum said that I was specifically targeting the United States of America, I nearly spit out my brimstone biscotti. I look at the warlords of Africa as they steal and hoard food sent by humanitarian organizations while their people die miserable, starvation-induced deaths; I look at the former Soviet Union as their Mafia fiat governs more than their legally elected representatives. All you have to do is take a look at the Middle East. Nice people, but here they are, killing each other because of the name they use to refer to “You Know Who.” (I am technically forbidden from using His name.)

With all of that said, Rick Santorum still thinks I’m targeting the United States of America for special treatment? I haven’t actually done anything in America since placing James Brady between John Hinckley and Ronald Reagan back in 1981. Reagan had much more work to do for me, and damned if I was going to let some little piss ant with a “Taxi Driver” fixation spoil that.

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Get Your Religion Away From My Vagina

My vagina grew up with the crazy notion that America, in addition to being the land of the free, is prized for its separation of church and state. So when exactly did religion start governing our politics and influencing American policy? And why on Earth do Catholics and Mormons and Evangelicals get a say in something that likely won’t affect Catholics, Mormons or Evangelicals at all? It seems to me that someone who doesn’t believe in birth control or abortion probably won’t seek either of them. It stands to reason that birth control and abortion access should have pretty much no effect on any “God-Fearing” populations. Access to birth control and abortion does, however, affect my vagina.

My vagina is still undecided as to whether or not it would like to stretch itself over 10 centimeters to push out a 9 pound infant and feed it and clothe it for the next 18 years to life. While it’s not completely outside the realm of possibilities, my vagina would still like a say in the matter. And rest assured, if that day ever comes my vagina will not be consulting the Catholic Church on its position.

My vagina doesn’t care what the Church of Latter Day Saints has to say, either. My vagina is more concerned about having a loving partnership, the support of family, a stable home with a steady income, healthcare, maintaining a healthy lifestyle and being able to protect the sovereign mind of its progeny from the ever-reaching grasp of ideologues, bigamists and fanatics: the Catholic, Mormon and Evangelical churches, respectively.

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