The Comedian In Chief: Barack Obama At The White House Correspondents Dinner

The full version in HD below:

Some highlights:

You might have heard we passed a health care bill. And some Republicans have suggested that the bill contains a few “secret” provisions. That’s ridiculous. There aren’t a few secret provisions in the health care plan. There are like hundreds. And tonight, in the interest of transparency, I’d like to share a couple. Let’s see here. This provision is called the “Bay State of Denial.” It reads, “This bill shall cover short-term memory loss related to the passage of Massachusetts health care reform.” Good news, Mitt, your condition is covered! This next provision is called the “Jersey Shore-Up.” It reads, “The following individuals shall be excluded from the indoor tanning tax within this bill: Snooki, J-Woww, the Situation, and House Minority Leader John Boehner.” This provision ought to put a common misconception to rest. It says right here: “If you do not like the ruling of your death panel, you can appeal it.”

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Some of you are seasoned veterans who have been on the political beat for decades. Others here tonight began their careers as bloggers not long ago. But I think it’s fair to say that every single reporter in this room believes deeply in the enterprise of journalism. Every one of you, even the most cynical among you, understands and cherishes the function of a free press in the preservation of our system of government and our way of life. And I want you to know that for all the jokes and occasional gripes, I cherish that work as well. In fact, tonight, I wanted to present you all with a bipartisan, Congressional resolution that honors all those wonderful contributions that journalists have made to our country and our world. Unfortunately, I couldn’t break the filibuster.

And the winner of the night:

“I am glad that the only person whose ratings fell more than mine is here tonight. Great to see you, Jay. I’m also glad that I’m speaking first — because we’ve all seen what happens when somebody takes the time slot after Leno.”

The 25 Best Simpsons Quotes, Moments, And General Hilarity

After devoutly watching the Simpson’s for 20 years, I thought I’d share my favorite 25 Simpsons quotes, scenes and other miscellany hiliarity from the history of the show. The majority of the quotes from seasons 5-10, but feel free to add your own in the comments (and perhaps I’ll expand it to 50 if a lot more get added!).

1. Bill Cosby explains ‘the rap music’ and kids, all while including all his favorite corporate sponsors:

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A Soldier Is A Terrorist With A Uniform

2/14/01 Never Forget

The Stage: Valentine’s Day, 2001. I am a high school senior, I do not have a valentine, and I have strangely colored hair. I do not like society or its assorted holidays.

The Victim: A ‘Happy Valentine’s Day’ decorative banner in the cafeteria and the 900 or so cohabitants during lunch period.

God Hates The Haitians

Pat Robertson: And you know, Christy, something happened a long time ago in Haiti, and people might not want to talk about it, they were under the heel of the French, uh, you know, Napoleon the third and whatever, and they got together and swore a pact to the devil, they said, we will serve you, if you get us free from the Prince, true story. And so the devil said, ‘OK, it’s a deal.’ And they kicked the French out, the Haitians revolted and got themselves free, and ever since they have been cursed by one thing after the other, desperately poor. . . the Island of Hispaniola is one island cut down the middle. On the one side is Haiti, on the other side is the Dominican Republic. Dominican Republic is, is, prosperous, healthy, full of resorts, etc. Haiti is in desperate poverty, same Islands, uh, they need to have, and we need to pray for them, a great turning to God. And out of this tragedy, I’m optimistic something good may come, but right now we’re helping the suffering people, and the suffering is unimaginable.

See Also: Haitians Asked For It, Pat Robertson: Haiti ‘Cursed’ By ‘Pact To The Devil’, When You Lie Down With the Devil…., Pat Robertson blames earthquake on the devil, Pat Robertson Blames Haiti’s “Pact To The Devil” For Earthquake, Pat Robertson quick to exploit Haitian tragedy, said they had it coming, and Pat Robertson is an idiot.