Given PBH’s recent success of declaring jihad on Natasha Mitra, I am ready to declare another jihad, this time on American society. I know, I know, it’s not Fatwa Friday, but alas, this 9 year old girl gets baked and fried to look like a fucking oompa loompa with the prodding encouragement of her mother. All so that she can look like Linsday drug-riddled, anorexic-harpy Lohan for her yearbook picture. I hate you America:
MORE BABIES! GIVE ME MORE BABIES! What the fuck is going on here? Neil Cavuto, fresh off a session of mutual masturbation with a middle school class, asks the logical question: if there is birth control, won’t 12 or 13 year olds be going around, fucking each other willy-nilly? Of course! I mean, dur, that’s the whole idea behind birth control, to have as much premarital sex as possible until you get the clap or the ice caps melt!
But seriously, why bother going on Fox News anymore? Neil Cavuto rather listen to a woman who compares birth control to pesticide and talks about how many babies she wants (I’ve got a bunch of Chinese ones if you’re looking, by the way) than someone who speaks eloquently about the positive effects of birth control. Look at this exchange:
UNRUH: Big pharma, here we go again. Attack on children, on families and women.
ALICE: What we’re saying is let’s reduce unintended pregnancy, let’s reduce teen pregnancy, let’s reduce the abortion rate in this country.
CAVUTO: Okay.
UNRUH: I want more babies, more baby, we love babies.
Once again, a random lady named Unruh (?) saves the day on Fox News. Big pharma, combined with the liberals, are moving to destroy our freedoms, bodies, and beautiful white babies. Hazzah!
Thanks, by the way, Think Progress & Blue State.
In a small northern Colombian town named San Antero, the Festival del Burro (Donkey Festival) is held to celebrate the donkey. Some of the highlights include a donkey stampede and a costume contest, but most of all, the carnival celebrates having sex with donkeys. That’s right, donkey love. Think we’re kidding? Check out this investigative report from VICE:
Yes, I repeat, the main focus of the festival is to celebrate the tradition of men having sex with donkeys. Apparently when a boy grows up in Colombia, his hand is inadequate and he’s too nervous to have his first experience with a (human) female. No, the sweet tender embrace of a donkey (probably with the appropriate amount of make up like the one featured above) is what’s needed to stir the passions of an all-too-eager but anxious Colombian adolescent. With an abundance of donkeys available, a strong zoophilic culture has taken root and we end up with human-donkey love.
There is no better way to celebrate Malaria Awareness Day than by sending our goofiest commander in beef to do some dancing with the natives (I hope they don’t give him the gay or the AIDS — I hear that stuff is contagious just by trying to help non-whites!!). PS. Am I allowed a simian comparison if old Bushy isn’t black??
We have become surrounded by forces of cynicism, sarcasm, and unhappiness. To correct this problem, here are some videos of Muppets:
Bart: Dad, what’s a Muppet?
Homer: Well, it’s not quite a mop, not quite a puppet, but man… (laughs, then pauses) So, to answer you question, I don’t know.
