Fuck! We missed April Fools Day!

Damnit all. We completely missed April Fool’s at ProseBeforeHos. I had the following ideas that didn’t get implemented:

1) Turn PBH into Pros Be For eHos — an online support forum and how-to-guide for professional athletes, by professional athletes. Articles would include:

Jason Kidds Guide To Beating Your Wife — Hi, my names Jason Kidd. You may know me best as the point guard for the Dallas Mavericks, world renowned for dishing out breathtaking passes. But I also love dishing out abuse to women who I feel intimate with. With my helpful guide, you’ll learn the ancient tricks of rug burns, throwing boiling water, and how to appropriately yell at your children as they helplessly watch you toss your loved ones around.

Kobe Bryants How-To Rape White Women

Travis Henry and Shawn Kemp team up to teach you, the over-paid and under-educated professional athlete, how to raw-dog as many females as possible to ensure your genetics are spread throughout the population like a dandelion in the breeze.

2) Turn PBH into an online site that celebrates battering your man.

3) Turn PBH into a full time Sarah Palin stalker site, complete with dreamed up expressions of love and seduction with the female governor.

Well, we fucked it up good this year, but we’ll be back next year. To forget it again. I promise.

God-Jesus And The Cyberama Seven

This is real… no… seriously:

What few people know, though, is that this was a tie-in to God-Jesus and the Cyberama Seven, in which the second coming was a robot, and the cybertronic savior did battle with various flying killer tortoises and huge insects and resurrected dinosaurs, all of whom were trying to plant fossils in the ground to muck with the heads of scientists and make them think the Earth was older than six thousand years. An animated show, it ran only three episodes and aired only once. But goddamn, it was amazing. No pun intended.

Apparently God will bless you with consumer goods and Godzilla-like battles for your Lord and Savior to triumph over. Also, I did what I could to find a video of this magnificent show but as of yet, no luck…

[tags]tv-god, jesus-god, Japanese tv show, television show, toy, robot, jesus robot, god-jesus, toy robot[/tags]

PBH Authors Exposed (For Sexiness)

Gallant Man Extremely Concerned About Drunk Woman’s Welfare:

Derek Kriesel, 22, who shall heretofore be known far and wide as the stately prince of Shooters Sports Pub & Grub, gallantly rushed to the aid of an inebriated maiden Tuesday when he noticed she was too drunk to make rational decisions. “A noble one was he who, as the valiant knights of yore, attended to her every whim, and yet she did not have to ask, or even glance in his direction,” bartender Nate Bogen said of the modern-day Lancelot, who from his own pocket purchased many a drink for the woman after she fumbled just once for her purse. “He is truly a man among men, for ne’er did his eyes stray from her.” According to sources, the noble hero also escorted the fair lady to her quarters, fingered her while she vomited, and slipped off before dawn without waking her or her parents.

[tags]fingerbang, finger fuck, white knight, bar hook ups, black out, the onion[/tags]

Live Blogging Avril Lavigne – Complicated

A girl on a skateboard? Whatever!

A girl on a skateboard in the mall?!?! Whatever!

Giant hot dog.

Skateboards, mall.

Toothy smile.

Fishing pole.

Bling, in the mall.

More skateboarding.

Baggy pants. Athletic store.

Upside down slam jam.

Heartfelt stares.

More skateboarding. Long arm-ings.

Funny poses in funny clothes.

LOL preppy clothes.

Ohno mall security!

People falling, it’s just like life.

Gigantic toy car.

Fisheye lense. Pool in the middle of the mall.

Just a crazy day at the mall.

Note: this was funny in principle.

Usher, You Ain’t Even Trying Anymore

I did Charlottesville to NYC and back within 72 hours, so I had the chance to catch up on that damn rap music those kids are listening to now a days. Usher’s Trading Places is a popular song, so by the end of the trip, I was pretty familiar with the lyrics. And I got to say, this mother fucker is not even bothering to try anymore. Get a sample:

Skip dinner and we gonna rent a movie
You order chinese food right before you do me

and

(yeah) Wash the car
(yeah) I’m gonna walk the dog
(yeah) Take out the trash
(yeah) With nothing but your t-shirt on
(yeah) I’m gonna press your shirt
(yeah) I’m gonna wrinkle mines up

Now, call me crazy, but I don’t exactly start thinking about plowing me lady after I order up some crispy beef. Nor do I fancy eating egg rolls after 7 minutes in missionary heaven (though that does sort of sound good now).

Check out the second part too… a fairy tale of domesticity from Usher. Nothing gets a lady wet like talking about doing chores. I can only hope my nocturnal emission comes from dreams of Usher wearing nothing but my worn out V-neck undershirts.