Double D Distractions

What a life! It’s been a few weeks since Anna Nicole Smith died, and miraculously, I’m still alive. Someone call Jesus or the mainstream media, because I am hearing far too much fuss about the ‘war’ (whatever that is) and not enough about Anna Nicole Smith. Because reporting on a blonde with a drug problem and double D’s is far, far more courageous than reporting on a corrupt, inept administration and the war they created. I mean, come on media, can we at least get a full-frontal of the corpse? I’m masturbating to my imagination here.

Which brings us to my second point, and one already made astutely by Griperblade — can’t we just buy Iraq? Can the World Bank and IMF bum America a loan for a couple of trillion bucks and employ everyone in that Allah-forsaken country to make salsa and package Nelly Furtado records? I mean, if I were a heathen destined for eternal fire, the least I could do is serve my Christian corporate overlord masters before they take the shiny Enron escalator to heaven!

I’m not saying let’s bail out of Iraq and Afghanistan — I’m not one of those pussy ass Northeast liberals who spends their time sucking Kosher Ivy league dick and crying about why I blew that i-banker in the bathroom for a bump. No, I’m a real American who lives his violence, as long as it’s on TV or YouTube. I don’t need some ugly bean-eating son of a bitch turned Presidential candidate getting all weak in the knees about torturing the bad guys or a puffhead who likes divorce almost as much as he loves homosexuality.

No, I like my America the way it is, thank you very much. I like my wars manufactured, my God vengeful and imaginary, my computers fruity and afeminite, and my countries human rights abuses neglected and ignored. Oh, and of course, my racism going around in a circle at a carnival (seriously — what the shit??).