The Best Theories On Everything (Volume IV)
The “Three Business School Theories” Theory:
1. You don’t pay for the classes. You pay for who you go to class with. Happy Hours are the true classes, and law schoolers hunkered down in nearby libraries resent loud, boozy business school students for this.
2. The over/under on hearing the word “synergy” on any given class day is 5.5 times.
3. Every business school ethics case is exactly the same:
INTRO: ____, a senior managing director at [Insert Top Wall Street Firm Here] reflected on the last six months at the company from his desk. A sudden breeze cooled his brow.
NEXT 5-7 PAGES: Company and employee background you barely skim.
DILEMMA: The star-hire is a rainmaker who wants a promotion but his brusque personality infuriates the rest of the office. Do you fire him?
CONCLUSION: You do. (See also: Terrell Owens’ NFL career)
EXHIBITS: 4 pages of charts and tables you don’t read.
The “How To Not Go Grape-Stomping As A Local News Reporter” Theory:
The “Political Comedy” Theory: As Told By Mary Poppins, “A spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down.”
The “American Race In Pop Culture Today” Thesis: Youngsters and tweens today gobble up “Dora the Explorer” episodes—the first cartoon starring a Hispanic character in American TV history.
For those of us born in the 1980s, however, the most candid conversation millions of us (especially white) Millennials heard in our formative years came—not from our parents or teachers—but HBO comedy specials. Freed from the shackles of the FCC and political correctness, minority entertainers have levered the most legitimate critiques of America’s (not-so-latent) racial tensions.
Chris Rock and Dave Chappelle pummeled America’s racial double-standard punchline after punchline. Dave Chappelle by imitating exactly how races feel about each other (See “The Racial Draft” below). Chris Rock with concise but dead-on political observation.
On American Segregation: “Every town has the same two malls: the one white people go to and the one white people used to go to.”
On Early 2000s Current Events: “You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese… Need I say more?”
On Gay Marriage: “Gay people got a right to be as miserable as everybody else.”
On Black Vs. White Job Opportunities: “A black boy that makes C’s in college can’t even run a Burger King. A white boy that makes C’s in college can make it to the White House”
The “Never Have Only One Child” Theory: If you decide to have children, (if possible and/or not in China) try to have more than one child.
Only children (often) turn out odd. They do not have other siblings to enact brotherly or sisterly quality control when a certain sibling dawdles in the Star Wars phase or fantasy novels for a tad too long.
The “Never Home School” Corollary: While you may be able to teach your child in certain subjects more quickly and are not restricted by other laggard students, there is no replacement for the classroom bully or kickball recess interactions that help build socially balanced childhoods. There is education in the classes as well as in-between them.
The “Careers For Our Kids” Theory: Nine billion people will live on Earth in 2040. The Harvard admission rate will be 0.6%. If, as many futurists project, we will scan our children for certain genetic attributes predisposing the children to become world-class athletes or brilliant mathematicians, the world will be even flatter.
We Millennials came of age under the debts of the Baby Boomers, out of college during the Great Recession, fell into a weak job market, and now must contend with a truly global job market of seven billion. But this is nothing compared to what our children will face.
So, to have a niche—a non-outsourceable skill, E.G. brain surgery, LeBron James’ tomahawk slam—is to have a career. While my children are unlikely to grow into 6 foot 8, 250 pound NBA point-forwards, I can try to groom my children into less physically-demanding roles like field goal kickers or advanced neuroscientists. Who will also know Mandarin.
