The Best Theories On Everything: Volume V

The “Best Of The Ninja Mutant Ninja Turtles” Theory: Donatello, a.k.a. the purple one.

Donatello instilled much-needed smarts and technical ingenuity into the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles outfit. Raphael was the rabble-rousing troublemaker who didn’t care and should always be respected for such. Michaelangelo was “a party dude”, the orange-bandana’d comic relief and front-lining clown who snagged the photo-ops.

The entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle operation would collapse without Donatello’s mechanical prowess.

The “Worst Of The Ninja Mutant Ninja Turtles” Theory: Leonardo. He was “the leader”. That’s it. No distinct or memorable personality. Simply the steady-handed blue-bandana’d leader.

The “Teenage Mutant Ninja Creators” Theory: Two guys are now preposterously wealthy because they got drunk in a weather-beaten Greenfield, Massachusetts bar, doodled on bar napkins, and hooked the entire Millennial Generation on overgrown turtles. And not just any turtles; sewer-dwelling ones who were proficient in karate and Japanese weaponry, named after Italian Renaissance painters and who received council from a sage rat master (Splinter) as well as visits from a cute yellow-coated news reporter (April).

The “Two Types Of Movies” Theory: There are movies you look at (Avatar, Titanic, or just basically anything by James Cameron), and there are movies you watch (Basically anything by the Brothers Coen). And then there are movies where you do both (Inception, basically anything by Christopher Nolan).

The “Most Gifted Performer Of Our Time” Theory: Jamie Foxx.

See: The Oscar for Ray; The Grammy for “Gold Digger” with Kanye West. See Also: Django Unchained for Jamie Foxx as righteous bounty-hunter; Any Given Sunday for Jamie Foxx as pompous electrifying quarterback; Youtube for Jamie Foxx’s Shaq impersonation.

See Also Also: Jamie Foxx, the pianist, making The Brady Bunch theme song sexy:

The “How Not To Win On Who Wants To Be A Millionaire” Theory: