The Best Theories On Everything: Volume V

THE AMERICAN WAR THEORIES

The “Golden Arches” Theory: As told by Thomas Friedman, no two countries that both had McDonald’s fought a war against each other following the fast food joint’s golden-arched arrival in each respective country.

In short, war is too expensive. Today’s reassuring real-politik of all-out war between developed countries is too destructive in an interlinked, global economy of seven billion.

The “War With China” Theory: It is a battle of the titans. East versus West. A resurgent ancient power pitted against a fading prodigy. Dueling ideologies of Communism-Capitalism versus Capitalism-Capitalism.

Wang Qishan and Ben Bernanke are the generals by day. Chinese and American hackers are the foot-soldiers invading Google accounts and scanning for national electric grid weak-points by night. The monthly China-USA trade deficit demarcates our ever-changing tide of war.

We bombard China by manufacturing not bullets but trillions of dollars out of thin air. China counter-attacks with a floating yuan and, in turn, favorable exchange rates.

The titans’ chinks-in-the-armor are well-known. China must contend with i) an increasingly restless Middle Class that seeks the comforts of the American Middle Class lifestyle and ii) a rapidly aging population that must be paid for.

America must contend with i) debt owed to China, ii) an entitlement system (E.G. Social Security) spiraling out of control, and iii) a paralyzed Washington where politicians obsess over their own jobs, not those of their constituents.

The “Iranian Contra-diction” Theory: Everything Iraq was supposed to be—an Islamic threat to regional stability, bent on nuclear power—Iran is. 

The “Strength Of A Culture” Theory: The strength of a culture is measured not by its walls and restrictions, but the lack thereof. It is right that makes might, not the other way around.

The “War In America Today” Thesis: War is sadly ambient noise for many Americans. There is no draft today. The press is banned from covering incoming coffin ceremonies. War is on in the background, well after the lead story. A marketplace bombing in Baghdad. A suicide bomber in Peshawar. Quick clips delivered by solemn CNN or Fox News anchors before getting back to the “real news”: Kim Kardashian’s emergency divorce or Miley Cyrus’ Britney Spears-like trajectory.

War is a media Catch-22 of sorts. Call it escapist, but the networks only broadcast what its viewers want to see. And 2010s viewers want sneak-peeks for “Predators”, the movie, not the unmanned drones errantly gunning down Afghan civilians. The networks can’t force viewers to watch, and with Great Recession-induced shrinking bottom lines, they’ve largely stopped trying.

Incidentally, the Iraq War was the third longest war in American history. Afghanistan, the longest.

The “We Have The Greatest Troops In The History Of Ever” Theory: And the funniest, too.

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THE RED STATES VERSUS BLUE STATES THEORIES

The “Why Coastal States Are Blue” Theory: Coastlines bring ports. Ports bring trade and immigrants. Immigrants bring diverse culture and fresh ideas. Diverse culture and fresh ideas don’t tend to bring more conservative thought.

The “Why Landlocked States Are Red” Theory: Transport over land (trucking, railroads) tends to be more expensive than transport over water (shipping). Inland states are, therefore, more expensive to supply and—barring natural resource abundance—tend to be less economically developed and more rural. More rural areas tend to be more suspicious of government involvement, albeit not massive farm subsidies.

The “Why Red States And Blue States Don’t Get Along” Theory: The Red States dislike the Blue States because they feel perceived as Flyover Country where people “cling to guns and religion.”

The Blue States dislike the Red States because they perceive them as Flyover Country where people “cling to guns and religion.”

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The “Zoos Are Highly Underrated” Theory: Where else can you observe the ferocious lions of Sub-Saharan Africa, shiver at the scaly Komodo Dragons of Indonesia, and feed the endangered Giant Pandas of inland China all before driving back home for Sunday NFL football?

The “Panda Bears Are Underrated” Theory: Did you know? Despite the Giant Pandas’ fondness for bamboo, they still have a carnivore’s digestive system. Since Giant Pandas do not consume enough protein with a bamboo-laden diet, they are constantly sleepy, avoid hills, and must stay full by feasting on bamboo (20-30 pounds a day)—repeating the cycle. ??In short, “eating more bamboo” is the problem and solution to the Giant Panda lifestyle. I love this animal.

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The “Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition Model Of The Year That’s Not Really A Theory, But It’s Kate Upton… So” Theory:

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Please check back for The Best Theories On Everything: Volume VI.