Get Your Religion Away From My Vagina

My vagina grew up with the crazy notion that America, in addition to being the land of the free, is prized for its separation of church and state. So when exactly did religion start governing our politics and influencing American policy? And why on Earth do Catholics and Mormons and Evangelicals get a say in something that likely won’t affect Catholics, Mormons or Evangelicals at all? It seems to me that someone who doesn’t believe in birth control or abortion probably won’t seek either of them. It stands to reason that birth control and abortion access should have pretty much no effect on any “God-Fearing” populations. Access to birth control and abortion does, however, affect my vagina.

My vagina is still undecided as to whether or not it would like to stretch itself over 10 centimeters to push out a 9 pound infant and feed it and clothe it for the next 18 years to life. While it’s not completely outside the realm of possibilities, my vagina would still like a say in the matter. And rest assured, if that day ever comes my vagina will not be consulting the Catholic Church on its position.

My vagina doesn’t care what the Church of Latter Day Saints has to say, either. My vagina is more concerned about having a loving partnership, the support of family, a stable home with a steady income, healthcare, maintaining a healthy lifestyle and being able to protect the sovereign mind of its progeny from the ever-reaching grasp of ideologues, bigamists and fanatics: the Catholic, Mormon and Evangelical churches, respectively.

My vagina would also like to know why these religious leaders and their political representatives need to concern themselves with what goes in or comes out of it. I mean, if inquisitions like this occurred in the work place, wouldn’t it be considered sexual harassment? How is it all of a sudden acceptable when done en masse?

The US government recently redefined the definition of rape to be “The penetration, no matter how slight, of the vagina or anus with any body part or object, or oral penetration by a sex organ of another person, without the consent of the victim.” Shouldn’t laws and religious doctrines that penetrate my vagina without its consent also be considered rape?

According to a recent article in the Huffington Post, the newly proposed “Heartbeat Informed Consent Act,” spearheaded by Michele Bachmann, “requires doctors to make the fetal heartbeat visible and audible to the woman prior to the abortion procedure and to describe the ultrasound image to her in detail, even if she prefers not to hear about it. If the woman is between four and five weeks pregnant, the doctor has to perform a “transvaginal ultrasound” in order to hear the heartbeat, which involves a probe and can be physically uncomfortable for the woman. ” Again, I believe this qualifies as a sexual assault by nearly every state’s own definition.

And you know, my vagina isn’t religious and isn’t usually this political either. My vagina just wants options and, frankly, a choice between celibacy or being a baby factory isn’t going to cut it. My vagina doesn’t want to be forced to do anything it doesn’t want to do or isn’t ready for. My vagina doesn’t want to be probed by the state on behalf of your religious indoctrinations. Your religion and your politics have nothing to do with my vagina. When you get your own vagina, you can do whatever you want to it and I promise I won’t intrude, probe or penetrate. In the meantime, get your religion away from my vagina!

D’Manda is the outspoken alter-ego of Grammy nominated songwriter and performer Amanda Richards. D’Manda has graced many a stage with her sketch comedy and randy musical compositions. Most frequently noted for her involvement in the Pacific Northwest burlesque scene and her recent studio release: Play Dead- an old-school country album about the zombie apocalypse written from the perspective of the last person on Earth who happens to be a country singer and a feminist. Taking a small sabbatical from the stage, D’Manda recently relocated to Guatemala to work on her apocalypse training and internet rants.