An Op-Ed From Satan Regarding The GOP

OP-ED CONTRIBUTOR: Not Even a Single Mention of My Infernal Glory? What Gives? By Satan

All the buildup and excitement was for naught. The broadband cable I had installed throughout the dark reaches of Hell so my minions and the damned could watch… for nothing. I thought I’d be the man of the hour, the name on everybody’s lips. The only guy that everyone hoped CNN Debate Moderator John King would ask about.

But did he ever mention my name?

Not once!

You have to go back to the early 19th Century to see my name being used as a weapon against another candidate as frequently as it is today. If my name were a registered trademark, Rick Santorum would owe me big time! I don’t mind being interjected into politics, per se. I get sort of a vicarious thrill out of it. But when Rick Santorum said that I was specifically targeting the United States of America, I nearly spit out my brimstone biscotti. I look at the warlords of Africa as they steal and hoard food sent by humanitarian organizations while their people die miserable, starvation-induced deaths; I look at the former Soviet Union as their Mafia fiat governs more than their legally elected representatives. All you have to do is take a look at the Middle East. Nice people, but here they are, killing each other because of the name they use to refer to “You Know Who.” (I am technically forbidden from using His name.)

With all of that said, Rick Santorum still thinks I’m targeting the United States of America for special treatment? I haven’t actually done anything in America since placing James Brady between John Hinckley and Ronald Reagan back in 1981. Reagan had much more work to do for me, and damned if I was going to let some little piss ant with a “Taxi Driver” fixation spoil that.

Let’s put it this way: the United States is in my crosshairs but so are all peaceful, freedom loving people. The sooner I can get you all fighting each other over stupid things like the proper way to say the word “route,” the sooner my plans will be realized.

I’m probably giving away more than I should, but this is the reason I made such a point of getting Barack Obama elected in 2008. And no, it’s not for the reasons you’re thinking. He is neither evil nor Muslim nor Kenyan. He’s a good man and a fine singer. I got him elected because I knew what it would do to my unwitting servants in the United States. You know, the people who can spout chapter and verse from the Bible and just as easily go against the very things their leader commanded them to do during their time on Earth!

This is precisely why I invented the Tea Party. I knew that the very presence of a black person in their precious White House would so infuriate my unwitting racist minions that they would go absolutely crazy and start saying the most ridiculous things. My willing servant, Rupert Murdoch, used his worldwide conduit to your brains to help spread this message. And believe me, nothing makes me happier than to see you idiots fighting with each other over The Other Guy’s name.