An Op-Ed From Satan Regarding The GOP

But still, imagine my infernal anger after being the subject of such controversy over the last few weeks. You’ve got New Jersey Governor Christie (he is mine!) blathering about me and Whitney Houston in the same breath! And Santorum has even called me “the father of lies.”

Take these remarks he made in a speech back in 2008, for example:

“This is not a political war at all. This is not a cultural war at all. This is a spiritual war,” said Santorum. “And the Father of Lies has his sights on what you would think the Father of Lies, Satan, would have his sights on: a good, decent, powerful, influential country: the United States of America.”

And you can’t forget what he said about homosexuality and the Democratic Party: “Woodstock is the great American orgy. This is who the Democratic Party has become. They have become the party of Woodstock. The prey upon our most basic primal lusts, and that’s sex. And the whole abortion culture, it’s not about life. It’s about sexual freedom. That’s what it’s about. Homosexuality. It’s about sexual freedom.”

Right, because that’s how I plan to drag America and all its precious souls screaming and kicking to Hell. By making them realize that “You Know Who” created them with organs that make them feel good when they love each other, and that it doesn’t matter who you love as long as you love. Yeah. That’s me. I’m corrupting the human race by making them all love each other.

So, my little idiot from Pennsylvania has been in the news for a week now, using my name at every opportunity, and that damn John King from CNN doesn’t even ask a single question about me during Tuesday’s debate? He doesn’t give Santorum the time or airspace to glorify me, to spread more falsehoods, to – if you will – spray his foamy, frothy jets of deception all over the faces and bed sheets of the American public?

What happens instead? He gets softball questions. Mitt Romney’s fan-packed audience hoots and stomps their feet every time the Mormon belches two syllables.

John King has displeased me.

CNN has displeased me.

Rick Santorum is my most useful tool in America and he will be heard.

Satan, formerly known as Lucifer, is the dark lord of the underworld and creator of all pain and suffering. He also is a cribbage aficionado.