The Mormon Diaries, Chapter 2: Never Have I Ever

The Word of Wisdom is a four-part tome on dieting and hygiene culminating with the Divine Promise. Interestingly, enforcement of Word of Wisdom practices have flip-flopped worse than Mitt Romney. Adherence was flimsy at the onset, before mellowing out entirely in the early 20th Century then buttoning up again in modern times.

On Meat: Animals have spirits, too, Joseph Smith proselytized. Meat, therefore, should not be consumed, except “in times of winter, or of cold, or famine.” And so it was taught, until the times of refrigeration. “Modern methods of refrigeration now make it possible to preserve meat in any season,” sayeth the LDS church.

On Beer: The Word of Wisdom taught barley-based drinks were allowed. Brigham Young Jr. decreed as much as late as 1901. But modern day LDS Church leaders teach that consumption of any alcohol violates the Word of Wisdom.

On Tobacco: Tobacco is banned from human consumption and only to be applied to “herb to bruises and to treat cattle.” Within two decades, however, church leadership relaxed the tobacco stance. First, only ninety-year olds could indulge (they needed it, they reasoned). Then all church members could chew tobacco during service, so long as they were discrete about it. Finally, the Church banned Mormons from using tobacco but allowed them to sell it to non-Mormons as a business.

Joseph Smith himself played fast and loose with the Word of Wisdom. He once unwound after an especially fiery sermon with a stroll down the street chomping on a cigar. He ran his own tavern in Far West, Missouri. Modern Mormon scholars maintain Joseph Smith was testing his followers. He drank and he smoked to see that they followed the Church of Latter Day Saints. Not Joseph Smith.

Followers who adhered to the Word of Wisdom are blessed with the Divine Promise, they:

“shall receive health in their navel and marrow to their bones; and shall find wisdom and great treasures of knowledge, even hidden treasures; and shall run and not be weary, and shall walk and not faint. And, I, the Lord, give unto them a promise, that the destroying angel shall pass by them, as the children of Israel, and not slay them.”

Doctors remain baffled by the “hidden treasures”, but the Word of Wisdom has been shown to lengthen lives. A UCLA study found LDS Church members experienced a cancer and cardiovascular death rate half that of the general population. The healthiest church-goers lived eight to eleven years longer than the general white population.

“The Church says the body is a temple,” Devin explained. “You’re not s’posed to have anything that hurts the body.” If so, The Temple of Devin could use some upkeep, with a significant belly bulging beneath his holiday Christmas sweater.

Devin nodded, “A life without vice is a small price to pay for more years of LDS bliss.”

I took an especially hearty swig of wine.

“Never have I ever,” Heather paused for dramatic effect. “HAD COKE!”

“Twice on Tuesday,” Devin confessed.

“Ooooh,” the group-turned 4th Grade police—accused.

“That’s hardcore,” I started. “I gotta tell you this one story about my buddy. He was in Panama, had a 5 AM puddle-jumper to Bocas. His plan was to stay up all-night. He falls asleep. Of course. Came-to at, like, 4:45 and high-tails it to the airport.”

“I spent my Mission in Panama,” Adam interrupted. “Lovely place. The spirit of the people—.”

“Yeah, well,” I shushed him. “My buddy, he still has blow in his pocket. He pulls out the passport and it’s coated in coke. I mean—it’s everywhere. The customs agent looks down at the passport. Looks up my friend. Looks over at his buddy. And just laughs “Gringo” and hands the passport back.

Stunned silence. A single jelly bean plopped back into the bowl.

“Wait…” I realized. “Are we not talking about the same thing, here?”

I was not invited back to next Saturday’s Never Have I Ever game.