My Predestined Date With Shamanism

Prior to moving into the second trance state, we had to loosen up our bodies with a child’s pose and some blood pumping yoga movements. And then the leaders chanted and sang. Sticks rattled and voila: trance state.

With the lights off and bodies strewn about the floor, we were going to travel. Or at least that’s what Hamilton told us. We didn’t know where or why, we just relied on our all-knowing principal guide to take us there. Hamilton and his partner/wife/whatever he could get began their incantations: they might have been made up words, or another language or even just Pig Latin. Regardless, it was beautiful and I was relaxed. The group had just traveled the entire fucking color spectrum and I was exhausted.

The only English words I picked up on related to flora and fauna. Specifically, hummingbird, lion, and spruce. Hamilton asked me to travel, so I traveled. I went back to Upendo orphanage in Muranga Town in Kenya; I flew over what I think was New Zealand (though I’ve never been); I cruised on a boat charting the waters that encompassed Alaskan glaciers, and actually tasted the brisk December frost that hugs the top of the Brooklyn Bridge. In one minute I scavenged for water bearing cacti in a desert and in the next I was swinging my machete in the Amazon. Yet I never left Ballroom B. Maybe my practical guide was an airplane.

And just when I thought I had hit my shaman stride, the lights flicked on and I opened my eyes. I sat up and looked around. I was dizzy. Apparently it was time to break for lunch. Or rather, “ingest the food spirit.” Brendan looked over at me and smiled. “Wow, you look completely different.” Yeah, coach – I’ll bet you say that to ALL the shamanic newbies.

Upon returning to the ballroom two hours later, the spell was broken. Maybe it was Samurai Sam’s fast food sushi (because that’s a thing in Los Angeles) that glued itself to the lining of my digestive tract, but for some reason I just couldn’t seem to re-focus or relax. Keep in mind that Hamilton leads 35 Iowaska ceremonies a year in Peru (home of Machu Picchu and his physical body) and spends “very little time in a world based on linear geography.”

Actually, I think that’s probably what shifted me out of my altered reality. That, and the weird guy who sat on the floor with his mouth gaping open like a largemouth bass. He was clearly only doing this workshop under the false pretense that there would be Iowaska at the end of this tunnel. Oh, and I failed to mention the incense he insisted on burning. I’m a terrible hippie; I hate incense. And patchouli. Point being, I couldn’t get back into it for the final trance state. So when Hamilton told us we were going to travel through time again I chuckled and chalked it up to a Saturday well spent.

But I couldn’t help myself. I told Hamilton after the last trance that I was frustrated and distracted the entire time we were treading the waters of the other realm. Concerned, he asked if my practical guide had shown itself yet. It had not. He told me that was totally normal and that I shouldn’t worry. It was just an intro class. Much like me, my practical guide was fashionably late. Fair enough, master. You are me, after all.

All snark aside, I have a new found appreciation and respect for this type of work and I told Brendan I’d like to set up a chakra cleansing appointment with him soon – that’s a thing, right? Also, my next travel destination of choice: Peru for an Iowaska ceremony with all of Hamilton’s selves.

The session ended at 6:45pm. Julie and I got back in the car with our yoga mats and cynicism and rehashed our strange day. Radiohead’s Karma Police was the first song that came on the radio. Fitting.

Stephanie Belsky is the Head of Audience Development & Channel Marketing at BigFra.me, a YouTube influencer network. She started the marketing department at CollegeHumor.com and is the owner of confectioncrawl.com. Belsky dabbles in long form improvisational comedy, volunteerism, running marathons, and 4chan.