Liveblogging The Barack-o-Mercial

7:53: Welcome one and all, we’re live blogging this mother fucker up!

7:57: Fuck! Technical problems… must be able to watch this.

7:58: Order restored. Except we are hearing nothing but loud buzzing. This is nothing compared to Hussein’s angelic voice.

8:00: It begins! Barack Obama loves America… and white people…. and the occasional black person.

8:01: Look at all that rich mahogany. What a man.

8:02: What’s that pin on his shoulder? Is that an Israeli flag?

8:02: Fuck is this hokey. Fuck is this cheesy. Where are the graphs???? I demand Ross Perot graphs!!!!!

8:03: Operations, blah blah blah. Here is a surgery you should consider: a vasectomy. Stop pumping out kids!

8:04: WordPress is not optimal for live blogging.

8:04: Mmmmmmm free market optimism! Tastes like economic inequality.

8:06: Yes! 9/11 has already been mentioned! Terrorists – 1, America – 0.

8:07: You earned your pension old man! Now do the rest of us a favor and throw yourself a building. Your life is getting expensive for America.

8:07: Get those corporations! And no more jobs for Mexicans and foreigners!

8:08: Here comes anecdote number 2. More working class people with working class problems. And this one is black and plays the guitar. It just feels so… FOLKSY!!! 🙂 🙂 🙂

8:09 12 different medications a day. You in a competition with my girlfriend? How many of those are natural breast enhancers?

8:10: Is this about Barack Obama or how much life is starting to suck in America? “But Daddy, I wanted to live in America where I could get a job with little to no skills and happily live a life where my arteries were clogged with Middle Eastern oil!”

8:11: Oh shit! It’s the Planeteer version of energy policy. And it can’t be outsourced, because they don’t have the sun in India.

8:13: Oh shit, Iraq has a surplus. And they better pay up, cuz this war of sweet liberation is not free, you Arab terrorist Al-Qaedas!!!

8:14: Rocket fuel for small-businesses, which is rocket fuel for the economy. And once this is all over, we’ll use our rocket fuel to propel us into the future, or at least onto the moon.

8:15: God damnit. Another peak into everyday Americana. When are they going to kick in the Death Cab for Cutie with forlorn looks out the window?

8:16: Barack Obama’s father — Darkness everybody! Darkness has entered the building.

8:17: An army of new teachers. I hope they’re the ones we send to Iran.

8:17: Oh shit! Our live feed went down! 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11!!! AHHHHH!!!

8:18: Buffering. Buffering. Buffering. Buffering. Buffering. Buffering. Siiiighhh.

8:19: We’re back, Barack Obamas Mom. This is actually pretty good. The first time tonight this has not felt like a stage prop.

8:20: And it’s over. Bible quotes and laughing with the family. You think he spanks em? I’d like to see that. Barack Obama spanking some children. Real hard.

8:21: Oh Joe Biden. You’re so dreamy. It must be those hair plugs. And that Horatio Alger storyline.

8:23: Kentucky! American Dream. Pies. Houses. Now he works once every two weeks and can’t stop eating grits.

8:24: This is our moment. And our moment is not fucking pretty.

8:25: PBH Editorial Board member and designer Kit is masturbating to Obama. Not kidding.

8:26: It’s all about the children. And freedom. And Free Masons in coal mines.

8:27: Yikkity yak. Story of America.

8:27: Bizarro Bearded Bill Richardson. Bizarro bizarro bizarro.

8:28: I’m sold, Barack Obama’s got my vote. Once again, terrorists — 2, America — 0.

8:28: Ut oh, I think I just heard something deflate. And that something is John McCain’s campaign.

8:29: Is this live? People sure do go ape-shit about tuition.

8:30: Text message for the next President of the United States! It’s either him or Clay Aiken.

8:30: It’s over! I think this was the most offensive 30 minutes of my life. Initial recap: is that it?