VOTE FOR KARLOS IN 2040!
Tonight, we meet at a moment when our Millennials carry the load for the Baby Boomer and Generation X generations who paid their dues and now must be paid for. We meet a moment when our very social programs are strained to the brink, our very electric grid is besieged by hackers, our coastlines are underwater.
We meet a moment when we have lost the very decency of human privacy and discretion. Drones spy on our citizens from above for routine traffic violations. Advertisers employ Big Data and virtual telepathy to know what you want to buy before you do. My friends, George Orwell’s “1984” was not supposed to be an instruction manual. Steven Spielberg’s “Minority Report” was not supposed to be an instruction video.
Now, these challenges are not all of the government’s making. But the failure to respond is a direct result of broken politics in Washington and the failed policies of President Rubio. The American promise is under attack. But we will fight back, like we always have.
Because for 264 years, at each moment when that promise was in jeopardy—during wars—Revolutionary, Civil, World, and Terror, Cold and hot—during this century’s economic bubbles—the tech bubble of the early 2000s, the housing bubble of the late 2000s, the student loan bubble of the early 2020s, and the virtual telepathy bubble of the late 2030s—are ordinary men and women – e-students and soldiers, farmers and start-up entrepreneurs, neuroscientists and janitors – stood up and became extraordinary.
Because, my friends, it is that time again. It is “A Time For Greatness”, as President Kennedy was wont to say. It’s “Time To Change America”, as President Clinton—Bill, that is—said. Or, simply, “Change” as President Obama once rallied us. Well, my friends, I’m here to say we are the ones we were waiting for, and The Time Is Now! Es El Tiempo!
Vote For Karlos! ¡Vota Por Karlos!
PART TWO: MY BIO
So tonight, as plainly as I can, I want to tell you who I am, what I stand for, and where I want to lead America.
I was born into a middle-class family in Atlanta, and when I am president, you will be forgotten no more.
My first word was apple-pie. I was a fat baby and an especially fat toddler. And when I am president, I will commit our nation to this fight. Obesity is our country’s greatest epidemic. 86% of Americans were reported obese or overweight in 2036. We are on pace to reach 100% in 2048. My friends, we will fight this fight. We will win this battle of the bulge!
I was raised by a single-parent, and when I am president I’ll fight to create high-paying jobs so that parents can afford to raise and educate their children in today’s ultra-competitive global economy of 9 billion.
That’s why I’ll fight to out-innovate China and Brazil. I’ll fight to ensure jobs that cannot be outsourced to or cyborged. I’ll fight to make sure “Made In America” isn’t just the name of [Look to Baby Boomers] a Blues Brother song or [Look to Millennials/Generation Y] a Jay-Z album.
My dad was a scrappy real-estate developer who was laid off during the recession of the early 1990s. He didn’t know when he would get his next job. He only knew to work hard. Eventually, he started his own real estate development firm and hired dozens across the great state of Georgia. That’s why I’ll fight to make sure small businesses get the help they need!
I slept under my younger brother’s desk after college during the Great Recession until my Internet startup got funding. Innovation doesn’t come from the government. I mean, have you been to the DMV recently? Innovation comes from not to the top-down but the bottom up. It came from computers welded together in Palo Alto garages. It came from website and app ideas in business school libraries. As Ronald Reagan put it, “The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: ‘I’m from the government and I’m here to help.’” That’s why I’ll fight for an even playing field for today’s entrepreneurs in today’s global economy and then get out of the way!
Now, I am not a perfect candidate. [See: Facebook photos, e.g. 2007-2015; Spotify song selections, e.g. Justin Bieber play-count; cultural misunderstandings, e.g. drinking with Mormons.]
