We’re White, We’re Semi-Urban, And We’re Fucking Lame

You’ve done it again Onion… you always do:

Bar Owner Cannot Fucking Believe He Actually Sponsored An Adult Kickball Team

“Why? Why in hell did I think this was a good idea?” said Trimble, explaining that a bearded 27-year-old wearing skinny jeans came into his establishment last month and told him all the local bars were sponsoring kickball teams. “This guy kept bugging me, and next thing I know I’m forking over 500 bucks for T-shirts, headbands, and some idiotic striped tube socks they just had to have.”

When asked what possessed him to connect his bar to a team of college-educated adults who play kickball, a game normally enjoyed by second-graders, Trimble responded by saying that he had obviously lost his fucking mind…

After confirming that sales of Pabst Blue Ribbon had doubled since he began sponsoring the team, Trimble confessed that the new business was coming from patrons he never wanted in his bar in the first place.

“These are people I should be beating up, not bankrolling,” Trimble said. “Now this place is turning into a total hipster nightmare.”

PS. It has long been the editorial view of the ProseBeforeHos staff that anyone who plays kickball should be immediately shot.