The Gay Christian Hypocrite Theater

There is one thing you always want to read when you catch up on sports: “Minnesota high schools grappling with herpes”. Apparently, all of those after-practice shenanigans (read: GAY ORAL SEX WRESTLING HIGH SCHOOL PARTIES!!!) are getting out of control. And the definitive question is asked:

“I think it’s a bold step,” he said. “How else are you going to get this thing cleared up? How do I explain to a mom that her kid has herpes forever?”

…Anderson said the greatest concern is an infection of the eye, which can, in rare cases, lead to scarring or blindness.

You don’t explain it to them, because you probably gave it to them by imposing your sexual deviance all over their body/face, and you didn’t make them wear goggles to shield them from impending sexiness and disease.

That’s not even the scariest or sexiest story of the year according the Economist. No, it’s the illicit smuggling of bomb-grade uranium in former Soviet republics! What, the idea of some radicalists trying to make a bomb scares you? Guess what, the Koran doesn’t come with bomb recipes! If you need me, I’ll be busy driving over foreigners with my Japanese made SUV.

Speaking of radicals, good news everyone! Ted Haggard, minister who thinly veiled his own perversions (including sleeping with male prostitutes and doing meth) by speaking of the evils of homosexuality, is now ‘completely heterosexual’. Oh boy, he’s been cured of his fagness:

One of four ministers who oversaw three weeks of intensive counseling for the Rev. Ted Haggard said the disgraced minister emerged convinced that he is “completely heterosexual.”

Haggard also said his sexual contact with men was limited to the former male prostitute who came forward with sexual allegations, the Rev. Tim Ralph of Larkspur told The Denver Post for a story in Tuesday’s edition.

“He is completely heterosexual,” Ralph said. “That is something he discovered. It was the acting-out situations where things took place. It wasn’t a constant thing.”

Oh, duh! He isn’t a bizarre sex freak, he was ACTING! It was all theater, you know, with the drug use, uber-Christian sermons, and sodomy. This guy is god damn committed to his art, that’s for sure.