Gigantic Duck Penis and Burritos in Superheros Pants

This may be the most important news item of the century: Ducks are developing gigantic penises. Yes, gigantic penises. And nothing sums up the mission of this groundbreaking investigation better than how the researcher stumbled upon this field:

Dr. Brennan was oblivious to bird phalluses until 1999. While working in a Costa Rican forest, she observed a pair of birds called tinamous mating. “They became unattached, and I saw this huge thing hanging off of him,” she said. “I could not believe it. It became one of those questions I wrote down: why do these males have this huge phallus?”

Basically what you have is a scientist checking out a big floppy bird cock, and says, I want to know more about this — I… I want that inside ME!! (OK I made the last part up, but let’s just assume). But seriously, how lonely do you have to be to have so much interest in bird dick? Answer: very lonely.

Second most important news? To celebrate the 4th year anniversary of Mission Accomplished, a 50-foot ‘Mission Accomplished?’ banner was unfurled in front of White House last week (yessss).

And while we’re all pandering to our various constituents, how about Hilldog getting on her knees for some delicious Israel money? “Democratic presidential candidate and New York Senator Hillary Clinton said Tuesday that it might be necessary for America to confront Iran militarily, addressing that possibility more directly than any of the other presidential candidates who spoke this week to the National Jewish Democratic Council.” Lets hope she doesn’t get too tired carrying all that gold from New York to Washington!

And on a final note, Captain America was arrested with a burrito in his pants:

A Brevard County doctor dressed up in a Captain America outfit was arrested with a burrito in his tights. What he allegedly did at the police station got him into more trouble.

Doctor Raymond Adamcik, 54, would probably rather forget about the weekend when he was arrested on charges of battery, disorderly conduct, drug possession and trying to destroy evidence. It’s not what you would expect from a doctor or Captain America.

The Palm Bay family physician was at On Tap bar as part of a pub-crawl with other medical professionals. It was a sort of costume party on a bus that would take them around from bar to bar.

Everything was fine until, witnesses said, Captain America started getting too forward with a burrito he kept tucked inside his blue tights, a burrito that ultimately landed him in jail…

On Saturday night, when a costume party full of medical professionals stopped at On Tap Cafe, police said Adamcik had a burrito stuffed below the waistband of his costume and was asking women if they want to touch it. When one refused, he allegedly took out the burrito and groped her.

The woman called police and, when they arrived, the officers wrote in their report “there were so many cartoon characters in the bar at the time, all Captain America’s were asked to go outside for a possible identification.”

The woman pointed out Adamcik and the burrito was found in his boot. He was taken to the police station. There, while in a holding cell, police said, he asked to use the bathroom and tried to flush a joint, also hidden in his blue tights, down the toilet.

Oh America, how I love thee.