Science As Written By The GOP

Global warming and evolution? Farce. Noah’s ark? Sounds legit.

VOTE FOR KARLOS IN 2040!

INTRO

To our likable enough [EDIT: Who let Barack near the teleprompter script again?] Chairman Chelsea Clinton and to all my 410 million fellow citizens across our 51 states, it is with profound gratitude and humility that I accept your nomination for the 2040 presidency of the United States of America.

Well, last night Senator Ben Affleck of the great state of Massachusetts showed us how a real nomination speech should be given. And made us all forget he once made the movie “Gigli” [That was Matt Damon.]

Now, as we all know, Senator Affleck rides the high-speed rail with a devotion that would do the late Vice President “Amtrak Joe” Biden proud. Thanks to the now-completed Northeast Corridor, Senator Affleck now makes it from Washington to his Boston home in just over three hours. After decades of watching China and Brazil out-build us, we finally have world-class high-speed rail of our own!

[Dramatic pause]I only wish we could say the same for Washington. My friends, I know it’s been tough these last four years. President Marco Rubio has been behind the wheel of our train, and he steered it off the rails and into a ditch.

The president derailed the train by failing to regulate the Virtual Telepathy speculative bubble of the 2030s. He derailed the train with tax breaks to the billionaires and lunar jet owners who needed them the least.

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America’s Hierarchy Of Human Life

The Article: The tragic consulate killings in Libya and America’s hierarchy of human life by Glenn Greenwald in The Guardian.

The Text: Protesters attacked the US consulate in Benghazi, Libya on Tuesday night and killed four Americans, including the US ambassador, Chris Stevens. The attacks were triggered by rage over an amateurish and deeply hateful film about Islam that depicted the Prophet Muhammad as, among other things, a child molester advocate, a bloodthirsty goon, a bumbling idiot, and a promiscuous, philandering leech. A 13-minute trailer was uploaded to YouTube and then quickly circulated in the Muslim world, sparking widespread anger (the US embassy in Cairo was also attacked).

The anti-Islam film was originally reported by the Associated Press news agency to have been written, directed and produced by an Israeli real estate developer living in California, Sam Bacile. Later the news agency issued a fresh story having investigated further and traces the genesis of the film to a Coptic Christian, Nakoula Basseley Nakoula, living in California. [see footnote] Its purpose, as described by the Israeli newspaper, was to show that “Islam is a cancer” and to provide a “provocative political statement condemning the religion”. It’s hard to believe that the film – which is barely at the level of a poorly rehearsed high-school play – required $5m to make, but the intent seems clear: to provoke Muslims into exactly the sort of violent rage that we are now witnessing.

Events like this one are difficult to write about when they first happen because the raw emotion they produce often makes rational discussion impossible. A script quickly emerges from which All Decent People must recite, and any deviations are quickly detected and denounced. But given the magnitude of this event and the important points it raises, it is nonetheless worthwhile to examine it:

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Support Gay Marriage Or The Gays Will Marry Your Daughter

Pilates partners, Lady Gaga on repeat and mani-pedi dates. Please, homophobes; don’t allow gay marriage to become legal on a federal level. Marriage will become much less fun for straight girls all over the world.

Hypocritical GOP Outrage Over Benghazi

But what would the GOP be if not reactionary and full of hot air?