The Worst Women Of 2011: Time To Take Out The Trash

From strong to wrong, 2011 has been a year choc-full of powerful women. But some of them have used that power only to perpetuate the panoply of reasons why people around the world are right in casting a scornful eye toward the United States. Here is 2011’s five most frightful females:

The Kardashian Klan (Mainly Kim)

Never has the letter ‘K’ been less appealing: the women of the Kardashian family consist of Kourtney, Kris, Kim, and Khloe, their published prose is kalled “Kardashian Konfidential,” and their Sears clothing is naturally dubbed the “Kardashian Kollection.” Vain, vapid, and exuding only self-congratulatory praise and grotesque amounts of wealth, clips of this family’s show should be played to galvanize impressionable youth at Al-Qaeda training camps.

While international protest movements inspired many to involve themselves more directly in political dialogue this year, the Kardashian family somehow managed to make millions of Americans actually believe they were worth “keeping up with” as well. As such, Kim Kardashian (now known for her marriage that lasted as long a loaf of bread does in a freezer) is reported to receive up to $10,000 from her sponsors for whatever mindless dross she tweets to her equally inane followers.

No, they wouldn’t have all of this acclaim without a reason: they’re “actresses” and enterprising businesswomen who catapulted themselves to tabloid fame with the leak of Kim’s sex tape, the 21st century substitute for talent and ingenuity. Nevertheless, Kim manages to give back for all of her newfound fame: shedding her business suit for sheet music, Kim recently released a single entitled “Jam (Turn It Up)” whose proceeds (or actually, just half of them) would go to the latest Kardashian Kause: cancer research. However, described by critics as “dead brained and generic,” it seems that Kardashian would have been much more charitable to everyone, cancer-ridden or not, had she kept her mouth klosed and just donated her own money to the foundation directly.

Michele Bachmann

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Now There’s Nothing To Be Done

Money by The Drums (Craft Spells Remix).

Stories from the Guy Who Writes Your College Papers

The Article: The Shadow Scholar by Ed Dante in The Chronicle Review.

The Text: The request came in by e-mail around 2 in the afternoon. It was from a previous customer, and she had urgent business. I quote her message here verbatim (if I had to put up with it, so should you): “You did me business ethics propsal for me I need propsal got approved pls can you will write me paper?”

I’ve gotten pretty good at interpreting this kind of correspondence. The client had attached a document from her professor with details about the paper. She needed the first section in a week. Seventy-five pages.

I told her no problem.

It truly was no problem. In the past year, I’ve written roughly 5,000 pages of scholarly literature, most on very tight deadlines. But you won’t find my name on a single paper.

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The Strongest Women Of 2011

2011 has proven to be quite the dichotomous year for women. For every union-saving frau like Angela Merkel there has been a Kardashian who impetuously destroys unions of the more “sacred” ilk. For every title of “first” that IMF Managing Director Christine Lagarde tacks on to her glistening resume, there is an overbearing and neurotic mom exploiting her 4-year-old daughter to win both the title of Miss Grand Supreme and a supremely tacky tiara. From Lady Gaga to Hillary Clinton to Michele Bachmann, women have ruled the scene this year and have thus highlighted the female psyche at its best and worst. It is without further ado, then, that we bring you the strongest women of 2011.

Angela Merkel: The Iron Frau

Hailing from the formerly Communist East Germany, Chancellor Angela Merkel knows a thing or two about the importance of unity. So revered by the international community, Merkel has consistently topped the list of Forbes “Most Powerful Woman” from 2006 to 2011 (save for 2010) and has been eternalized in plastic via her 11.5-inch tall Barbie form.

Prior to becoming the Chancellor of Germany and earning the title of the longest serving leader of a G8 country, Ms. Merkel paved her way through school as a discotheque barmaid and ultimately worked toward her doctorate in quantum chemistry while living in a veritable hovel that lacked both hot water and a toilet.

Picking up fluency in Russian along the way, Merkel now works with people more obstinate than belligerent bar patrons in order to accomplish something even more arduous than the pursuit of a doctorate in science: saving the euro zone from economic collapse. Nevertheless, her cast iron resolve springs eternal and it has not gone unnoticed: a Forbes poll reports that the French have more faith in Merkel (46%) to save them from the mires of economic malaise than they do in their cher Sarkozy (33%).

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How Bill O’Reilly Covered Wars In December 2011

Via Media Matters: Bill O’Reilly Covers The “War On Christmas” More Than Actual Wars:

O’Reilly’s focus on the non-existent “War on Christmas” apparently comes at the expense of coverage of the actual wars in Iraq and Afghanistan. Over the course of December, O’Reilly spent roughly 42 minutes covering the “War on Christmas” and approximately 13 and a half minutes covering the Iraq and Afghanistan wars…

The longest segment counted towards O’Reilly’s actual war coverage was a report on employees at a defense contractor that manufactures equipment for troops overseas being caught smoking pot and drinking alcohol on their lunch break.