We’re White, We’re Semi-Urban, And We’re Fucking Lame

You’ve done it again Onion… you always do:

Bar Owner Cannot Fucking Believe He Actually Sponsored An Adult Kickball Team

“Why? Why in hell did I think this was a good idea?” said Trimble, explaining that a bearded 27-year-old wearing skinny jeans came into his establishment last month and told him all the local bars were sponsoring kickball teams. “This guy kept bugging me, and next thing I know I’m forking over 500 bucks for T-shirts, headbands, and some idiotic striped tube socks they just had to have.”

When asked what possessed him to connect his bar to a team of college-educated adults who play kickball, a game normally enjoyed by second-graders, Trimble responded by saying that he had obviously lost his fucking mind…

After confirming that sales of Pabst Blue Ribbon had doubled since he began sponsoring the team, Trimble confessed that the new business was coming from patrons he never wanted in his bar in the first place.

“These are people I should be beating up, not bankrolling,” Trimble said. “Now this place is turning into a total hipster nightmare.”

PS. It has long been the editorial view of the ProseBeforeHos staff that anyone who plays kickball should be immediately shot.

Signs Humanity Should Off Itself

Coldplay’s Viva La Vida has been viewed 46,214,101 times on YouTube.

Signs I Should Probably Off Myself

The last song I heard on the radio to work: Coldplay — Viva La Vida
The first song I heard on the radio after work: Coldplay — Viva La Vida

The Torture Photos Barack Obama Doesn’t Want You To See

See Also: Afghan was taken to Guantanamo aged 12-rights group, Obama, Taguba, and the new Abu Ghraib photos, Darth Crashcart Unplugged, Torture Memo, Do The Photos Show Rape?, Photos Obama won’t release include images of rape…(warning, graphic), It’s Torture!, Torture’s Harvest, Mancow gets waterboarded: “Absolutely torture. Absolutely. That’s drowning.”, Won’t Somebody Listen to the Generals (and Admirals and Majors)?, Watching Monsters, “… authorize torture as a method of interrogation, and rape logically becomes part of the continuum of efforts to break down a prisoner’s self-esteem.”, Cheney lied about torture, Abuse Photos, and Torture and the American Conscience.

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Mo’ Commodities, Mo’ Problems

“Now–improving on Sir Thomas More, who, at an earlier stage of capitalist development, at the time when the great estates were being depopulated and turned into sheep-runs, had said that the sheep were eating the people–Marx presents us with a picture of a world in which the commodities command the human beings. These commodities have their own laws of movement, they seem to revolve in their orbits like electrons. Thus they keep the machinery moving, and they keep the people tending the machines. And the greatest of the commodities is money, because it represents all the others. Marx shows us the metal counters and the bank-notes, mere conventions for facilitating exchange, taking on the fetishistic character which is to make them appear ends in themselves, possessed of a value of their own, then acquiring a potency of their own, which seems to substitute itself for human potency. Marx had stated the whole theme in a sentence in an English speech of 1856: ‘All our invention and progress seem to result in endowing material forces with intellectual life, and in stultifying human life into a material force.’

… Marx’s readiness to conjure up these visions of independent and unpetitionable fetishes, which, though inanimate, usurp the rights of the living, is evidently primarily derived from this own deficiency in personal feeling, which he projected into the outside world. Like other satirists, he punished in others the faults he felt to be dangerous in himself, and it was precisely this blinded and paralyzed side of Karl Marx’s peculiar personality which has made it possible for the active and perceptive side to grasp and to explain and to excoriate, as no one else had been able to do, that negation of personal relations, of the responsibility of man to man, that abstract and half-unconscious cruelty, which had afflicted the life of the age.”

— Edmund Wilson in To The Finland Station