An All To Candid Love Letter to Jessica Valenti

Dear Jessica,

This has been a long time coming. I saw you on the Colbert show and thought it is finally time to act. I’ve actually been a fan for a long time — I admire your work and despite smear campaigns that would say otherwise, we love women. I am going to pick up your book after I finish reading the latest free-market critique, because I know you too have chosen prose before hos. I know this may seem a bit transparent and opportunist, but this is not a flaccid effort: I need you. Big time.

Irrelevant factoids about me that you should consider while deciding how many of my offspring you want to carry:

– I am white, middle-upper class male, and full of guilt for all of the previously named attributes. I’m sure I’ve done plenty things off-handedly that have reinforced the pervasive socio-economic, racist, patriarchal institutions that continue to make things so rotten. I’m plenty sorry and I occasionally throw handfuls of coinage towards homeless and colored people before I go off screaming in the other direction. But this is great for you, because you can take advantage of me to no ends! I bet you have all sorts of dark hair clogging your drains, which I am happy to clean. I’ll even clean your toilet with my toothbrush and hell, I’ll even use it afterwards, because I’m a closet freak.

– I’ve read many comments on your site and others referring to the fact that girls have to get ‘dolled up’ and wear clothes of questionable comfort. To that, I’d say I’d agree mildly, but have you ever tried to wear a full men’s suit in the summer, especially in somewhere humid like Washington DC? Because if you do, your cooch will be literally riddled with sweat. It’s terrible. This is why I want to be the first guy to wear a business skirt to work, and if I ever get the chance, to Capitol Hill. I’m also not going to wear underwear, because I imagine that the majority of the comfort derived from skirts is the fact that air is constantly going up ‘there’. Also, how do you move laterally with a skirt?

– A full-blown erection is a part of my gym get-up. Lots of things are negotiable in my life; this is not one of them. I’m sorry, but nothing feels better than getting spotted at the gym when you’re sporting major wood. Plus, you meet lots of new people this way.

So how about it Jessica? I’ve laid it all out on the line for you.

Love and curtsies,
Alec

PS. If you ever do a piece on how even impartial fame brings out the crazies, can you make me the centerpiece??

I’m In Love With A Stripper

Apparently it’s real fashionable now a days to call attractive wives of candidates ‘strippers‘! In the Post-Imus media world, this is called having an Imus moment. What this means is that insulting blacks is off the table, and apparently not so sly gendered comments about tit size and the age differential for our famous future presidential couples is not the greatest idea either. Unless, that is, you’re trying to get your nuts stomped on.

United We Stand — Moonbounce Edition

As I was reading my daily liberal periodical, I came across an article about Hillary Clinton’s latest fundraiser / block party in downtown DC. While the article was rather mundane, a particular snippet caught my attention:

The elements for a youthful event were all there: a juggler, face-painting (a custom Hillary heart design was available), blow-up Uncle Sam dolls, the vendor selling Red Bull and, of course, the “United We Stand” moon bounce.

There is a United We Stand moonbounce. Repeat, there is a mother fucking United We Stand MOONBOUNCE. And I have been lucky enough to find a picture of this travesty to humanity and all things decent:

If we keep up at this pace, I’ll be seeking Osama Bin Laden for intellectual guidance in the near future. Bonus: Check out this choice Washington Post photograph of kids at the Hillary

Sarkozy Hearts Deportations

Continuing on the tradition of brown people and where they deserve to be, apparently Sarkozy wants to get rid of 125,000 immigrants, right off the bat! I wonder if they can just stick a big needle in the banlieues and suck out all the Muslims? Then they could stick them right in Darfur, and hey, free fun!

In more asinine news, McCain comes out against Net Neutrality; Says would hire Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer. Steve fucking Ballmer. Not only that, but McCain has a good case of the Ted Stevens TUBES: “McCain said he did not think government regulation of internet service providers to stop them from censoring, slowing down, or otherwise disrupting consumer’s access to the internet in order to stifle competitors or undesirable content was an appropriate solution. In fact, McCain even seemed at one point to be open to ISPs censoring consumer’s internet experience to block access to competitors’ services, saying at one point “When you control the pipe you should be able to get profit from your investment.”

I could be wrong but, it’s pretty hard to respect some B&T chick who comes out to spend the night at my place even though she’s seeing someone else in New jersey and winds up tongue-bathing the taint of anyone who decides 30 minutes of droning commentary on Colin Farrell’s new haircut is worth putting up with for a hand job in the men’s room.

Other things that make you say hmmmmm: You can use condoms to make a fire, you can use the internet to see pictures of Hiroshima after the bombing, you can wonder what the architect smoked, you can attend your frat wedding, you can get a million dollars for offering your tid bits on political sex scandals, or you can just have a delicious diet water.

jan von holleben

The artist of the day is jan van holleban.

dreams of flying series:

After a spell as a photographer’s apprentice and as a director at Young Photographers United, Jan von Holleben moved permanently from Germany and signed up to study for a BA Hons in Photography at the prominent SIAD University in the South of England. Following his graduation, Jan has gone onto achieve a great deal in very short space of time. Based in London, he founded the non-profit organisation for emerging photographers photodebut (www.photodebut.org) in 2003 and has since worked as freelance photographer, picture editor and director of photography in London commissioning
international photo-shoots.
His personal work has been showcased in leading titles such as Creative Review, the Face, Sleazenation, The Independent and various others. He has won a number of photography awards in the UK including an Observer Hodge Photographic Award, a Lucie Award in NY and most recently an Audi-Next Level Photographic Award (…).

The Reel Magazine 11/04

portraits series:

From interview with bantdergi:

I skipped all ideas about technique and stared to think photography: What can photography do and what can it not. Why should I do photography as there are a million better ones out there already and I questioned everything that I saw… only then I found ideas what I could o that was unique and also important to me…

landscapes series: