They Tried To Teach My Baby Science

Ha! Science. What has science ever given us? I’ll tell you what it’s given us: Nazi’s, Puma footwear and apparel, intrusive anal-based exams, medicine, and other forms of wizardry. Frankly, me and the rest of the unenlightened Judeo-Christian world don’t need it’s hog wash anymore. When I get prostate cancer, I want them to bathe me in holy water so I can let Jesus’ magic remove the embodiment of sin (or as the Practitioners of Atheism, aka Doctors, would have me believe, the uncontrolled division of cells). These sins include but are not limited to looking at my sister’s breasts at age 14 and briefly glancing at a homosexual couple.

Bong Hits 4 Muhammad

Today the Supreme Court will hear the case of “Juneau, Alaska public schools” v. “Bong Hits 4 Jesus”. That’s not the real name, but it’s close enough so that no-one is confused about the litigants.

The essence of the case is that in 2002, Joseph Frederick, a high school student, brought a large fold-out sign to an Olympic torch rally held across from his high school as it crossed the US on the way to the Salt Lake City Games. The sign was not, in fact, supportive of the great Olympic spirit, a particular athlete, or one of town pride… It simply said: “Bong Hits 4 Jesus”. Simple, yet effective.

Anyway, his principal spotted the sign, ran across the road, and tore it down and crumpled it up. Not completely satisfied, he then suspended Joseph for 5 days… and doubled the penalty when Joe came to school and used the words of Thomas Jefferson as defense. Chaos ensued… and today the High Court will hear this case. Go Joseph.

Now, I’ll save the legal analysis here for one of the more “intellectual” or “political”-minded PBH-ers… What I’ve come to do today is to recreate this event in a digital manner. My principal will certainly not be tearing down my sign or crumpling it, but I have a fear we may end up in a firestorm or causing political protests. But… I have faith in my legal system and that the court will rule in Joseph’s and our favor today. And… so in good faith I present:

The Pledge of Resistance

We believe that as people living
in the United States it is our
responsibility to resist the injustices
done by our government,
in our names

Not in our name
will you wage endless war
there can be no more deaths
no more transfusions
of blood for oil

Not in our name
will you invade countries
bomb civilians, kill more children
letting history take its course
over the graves of the nameless

Not in our name
will you erode the very freedoms
you have claimed to fight for

Not by our hands
will we supply weapons and funding
for the annihilation of families
on foreign soil

Not by our mouths
will we let fear silence us

Not by our hearts
will we allow whole peoples
or countries to be deemed evil

Not by our will
and Not in our name

We pledge resistance

We pledge alliance with those
who have come under attack
for voicing opposition to the war
or for their religion or ethnicity

We pledge to make common cause
with the people of the world
to bring about justice,
freedom and peace

Another world is possible
and we pledge to make it real

World’s Worst: “Bill O’Reilly has left the human race”

Bill O’Reilly (aka Dogma Robot), has officially left the human race.

O’Reilly to viewer: “Your so-called compassion helped kill those children” in Bronx fire:

On the March 9 edition of Fox News’ The O’Reilly Factor, host Bill O’Reilly responded to an email from a viewer complaining about his statement the previous day that the victims of a March 7 fire in the Bronx in which one adult and eight children were killed “may be illegal aliens” by stating: “Your so-called compassion helped kill those kids.” He later added: “It’s people like you, [viewer], who promote that kind of chaos in the name of compassion, who look the other way while poor workers and children are exploited by greedy landlords and businesses because you don’t like the immigration laws.”

Later in the program, Fox News host Geraldo Rivera chastised O’Reilly, claiming that “to make the connection between illegal immigration and that horrific fire in the Bronx two days ago is an injustice to the victims of that fire.”

On both March 8 and March 9, O’Reilly complained that New York City policies regarding illegal immigrants made it impossible to determine if the fire victims were illegal immigrants because New York “is a sanctuary city.” According to a March 2004 Congressional Research Service report titled “Enforcing Immigration Law: The Role of State and Local Law Enforcement,” which lists New York among “[c]ities and counties currently that have sanctuary policies,” “Most cities that are considered sanctuary cities have adopted a ‘don’t ask-don’t tell’ policy where they don’t require their employees, including law enforcement officers, to report to federal officials aliens who may be illegally present in the country.”

Go Mugabe, it’s yo birfday, and we don’t give a fuck bout yo negative GDP growth

You want to know what irony is? Irony is leading your country to the brink of complete financial and economic collapse, and then asking asking for donations for your birthday party. This is what Robert Mugabe, President of Zimbabwe, is doing. With inflation at a record high of 1,593% and agricultural production down 40%, Mugabe is asking the citizens to contribute $1.2 million for his 83rd BIRTHDAY PARTY. Yes, in a country where GDP is decreasing at 4.4 % per year, unemployment is at 80%, the average income is $2000, and public debt is 108.4% of GDP (as in they are indebted more than they earn as a nation), the President — who turned a prosperous country into the one we see now — wants to reward himself with a FUCKING BIRTHDAY PARTY. Mission Accomplished, toys!

In less important but equally dejecting news, “Many young Bostonians think city overreacted”. Oh, rly? Thankfully, anyone in my age group has been too busy overdosing on narcissism to notice our wonderful war on life or drinking their Iran Kool-Aid.

Good sex is not a rat race, don’t tell your kids their smart, and don’t forget: social class is the dividing line.