Things I Don’t Want for Christmas

#1. Novelty Boxer Shorts

Unless the woman you’re trying to seduce has a fantasy about fucking a clown, there’s no reason to ever be wearing underwear covered in images of Snoopy and Charlie Brown. “But it’s a holiday theme!” Terrific, but that doesn’t change the fact that the girl I’m undressing in front of is now trying to decide whether to fuck me or read me a Bernstein Bears story.

#2. Whatever “For Dummies” book pertains to the career I’m actively pursuing

I know that certain scientific laws make it impossible to give gifts that aren’t tangible like “running” or in this case, “spitting in my face,” but I must say, you’ve come close with your choice to give me this, “For Dummies” book. I know you don’t understand what I do for a living, but just because Michael Douglas didn’t pay for a limo to drop me off at the party you shouldn’t assume that I’m failing miserably. Your lack of faith wouldn’t be more obvious if you just gave me a job application to Wal-Mart.

#3. The DVD first season of some short-lived, completely forgettable show

There is absolutely no reason anyone (including Andy Griffith) should ever need to have instant access to any specific episode of Matlock. Is this one where Matlock wastes the court’s time to make reference to his love of Southern cooking or is it the one where the black guy goes to a seedy bar and uses his street smarts to wrangle information? The whole point of daytime television is to bore people into canning the “I’m sick” bullshit so they can get back to work.

#4. The gift from the out of touch relative who thinks I’m 2 decades younger than I actually am

A vintage Star Wars lunch box! Oh neat, it even snaps shut so there’s no way my sandwich, chips, or chances of ever having sex again will fall out. Perfect. I’ll set it on top of that dresser I keep my baseball cards in. Honestly, if I didn’t use my penis to urinate, your gifts would make me forget that I have one.

#5. The Obvious Last-Minute Gift

Forgive me if I can’t honestly believe that your intention a month ago was to get me a porcelain cat figurine for Christmas despite my never owning a cat and even going out of my way to express my intense hatred for cats. We’ve all been there, but next time you’re picking up a gift for me at the gas station on the way to my house, go ahead and just grab some beer. And if you don’t mind grabbing the mail on the way in, I’d love that too.

#6. The really small gift card for the big, expensive store

Wow, $10 to Barney’s New York! Now if I can just scrape together another 10 out of my own pocket, they’ll let me lie on the floor while the night janitor urinates on my chest and face.

#7. Any type of donation being made in my name

Even though I think Karma is merely a way to keep morons from enjoying themselves, I do know that if it does exist, it doesn’t work like a gift card. In other words, I can’t do something nice and have the Karma points be added to your account. If you really want to distract God from what a huge asshole I am, just help me build this brick wall in front of the hooker I’m about to have sex with.

#8. Christmas decorations

Gifts that offer a type of delayed satisfaction are fine when it’s something like concert tickets. However, giving someone a Christmas decoration as a gift on Christmas will make people hope aloud that you didn’t drive yourself there. In fact, it’s so ridiculous; it actually creates feelings of sadness and pity rather than disbelief. Your friends and family will wonder if you even know how the holiday works. Some might even wonder why you didn’t just take it to the max and hand out coupons offering to help shovel dirt onto their coffin after they’ve passed away.

#9. Involvement in any type of office gift swap thing

Whoever declared that the process of a 2-hour exchange of gag gifts was funny needs to slip back into their coma for a few more years. “Oh ha! You got me a half a deck of playing cards and I got you Fun Dip! Hilarious!” The only reason assholes like Scrooge make their employees work late on Christmas Eve is because from 10am to 3pm, those same employees were pissing away company money with trivial gift exchanges. Wrapping up boxes of paper clips and handing them out as gifts isn’t entertaining. It’s a sign of Alzheimer’s.

#10. A starter set for some obscure hobby I have zero interest in and am pretty sure you also have zero interest in.

Alright! A butterfly net with a book about catching and identifying butterflies! Is there a head injury I’m going to have soon and don’t know about yet? If ever the day arrives that I’m reduced to the type of mongoloid who spends his days puttering around the backyard with a butterfly net, I give you full permission to take me down to the creek, tell me about the rabbit farm, and then blow my fucking brains out.

#11. Any gift that serves as an attempt to include me in whatever cultish fad you’re currently wasting your time with.

Yes, I’ve heard of The Secret and honestly I’m glad you’ve found something to momentarily distract you from the fact that your job is slowly driving you to suicide and you’re about a spilled drink on the couch away from your third divorce. However, because I don’t see you often enough to warrant showing any real concern with your life, please realize that it’s just easier for me smile and nod in response to whatever cup of poisonous Kool-Aid you happen to be drinking at the moment than to give you my honest opinion. All I ask is that you just leave me the hell out of it. I’m pretty into porn, but you won’t see me trying to throw that at you…except for redtube.com. It’s pretty impressive with the search engine and what not.